Never talk about yourself in the third person, it is not and has never been acceptable to do so, and unless well all become part of a cybernetic hive mind it will probably never be alright to do so. Only three kinds of people are allowed to talk about themselves in the third person: Insane people, actors performing poorly written monologues, and five year olds.
Zombie game shows are awesome1, action-packed and often unintentionally hilarious, which is why you should create one of your own and become rich! Now there are a few formats that really lend themselves to the zombie theme:
All of these shows are obviously absolute gold, and will make everyone involved something like a gazillion dollars. Remember of course to force all contestants to sign a ridiculous waver before filming starts, as you really don't want to get in a situation with zombie lawyers3.
If you ever have aspirations to rule the world, blow up national monuments, or merely take revenge on the people who bullied you in the first grade using a nuclear powered super-laser from the moon, then you will probably have to deal with a super-spy. The key, of course to killing any super-spy is to shoot him(or her) in the head and throw the corpse into a furnace. That's it. All super-spies are arrogant asses, and at some point you will capture them, and that is when you end it. Now you might be tempted to keep them alive for interrogation, torture, or as some sort of bargaining chip, but the fact is that torture does not work and every second a spy is alive is a second that you are in danger, so end it.
The word 'Concur' has got to be one of the finest words in the english language. Just say it out loud and you will agree; the happiness that one word gives is almost palpable. One should strive to use the word everyday, although you must be vigilant to never concur inappropriately.
It is a sad time in American history, fewer and fewer of our nation's young people are singing and dancing in the street. However you can do something about this, and all you have to do is what you were born to do, sing! Now you might be afraid to sing alone, but that is why man invented street gangs, like the Jets, the Sharks, and of course the Fighting Mongooses. With a street gang you can be a fearsome force, dancing, snapping and singing as a cohesive unit.
However, even if you are all alone, you can still inspire, and educate, and maybe even convince others to join you in song. It is important however, to keep to the classic more well known songs, so that anyone can join in. The following selection is great for this and for karaoke too:
So get out there and start singing, save our children from an existence without the beauty of random music and street gangs!
We all want to be able to honestly respond to the question "How are the kids?", but children are really so hard to come by these days. Now if you get as much junk mail as we get at the Fair Warning offices, then you've probably seen mail-order baby catalogs like "Super Babies: Genetically engineered for you!", "Orphans! Buy 3 get 7 more free!", or my personal favorite "Modest Proposal Quarterly". These services are great, but one should be careful when ordering small children through the mail as I have recently been informed that it is illegal to transport children through the post1. This is why one should always, and I mean always transport your children via independent package services, or for large orders commission a freight service.
Whenever you are getting on a bus, train, ferry, trolley or airship please follow these steps.
While I am on a technology kick, let us talk about cell phones, specifically their batteries. Now I do not particularly like my cell phone, it does not have any awesome features like web browsing, music, or lasers, but it at least works as a phone and can sync via Bluetooth. If I had money to burn, I would probably throw this phone into a blender and switch to a different network, but I do not so I will not.
Of course I said I would talk about my cell phone's battery, which like all batteries is slowly decreasing in maximum charge, and at some point will be unable to allow me to have a proper conversation about my future ambitions with a phone sex operator; however this is pretty standard and not worth complaining about.
What I do want to complain about is how the device decides to tell me that it has a low battery. My phone will vibrate every few minutes just to tell me that yes, it still is low on battery and yes it still would be a good idea to plug it in. It is like a five year old who got an extra large drink at the Taco Bell twenty miles back and has now decided that he is going to complain every two minutes about how he needs to take a leak. Well fuck that, I am making good time and you need to learn to shut up and hold it in.
Unfortunately although children can learn, at least to fear you, cell phones cannot and my phone will probably continue to irritate me till my damn contract is up.
Since when did someone decide that having my devices do things without my permission was a good thing? Now when my roomba automagically cleans the horrible dirt-ridden sty that is my basement, that is one thing because it's awesome and I scheduled it to do it, my roomba did not just figure out my level of household cleanliness and begin to clean-up after me.
Contrast this with my Windows PC that will update and restart itself without my permission, even sometimes against my permission. Now I think it is great that my PC is proactive about finding and downloading updates so that it can protect me from the evils of 'the web',1 but I really can't accept it installing these updates without my permission. What if these updates are faulty? What if the obligatory restart cancels my 35GB downloads of 'research material'?
Now my point is that I don't want to wake up one day to find out that my computer, my Xbox and my phone have all been 'upgraded' to be emotional passive-aggressive crybabies conspiring to keep me inside my home because it is for my own good.
If you are at a party, and there is drinking involved, invariably some guy will spend a good portion of the evening trying to get inebriated girls to make out. Do not be that guy. First of all, if girls want to make out, they will do so without you pressuring them too, just let it happen. Second, you can spend all that time and persuasive energy getting some action for yourself instead of worrying about what these girls are doing. Finally, if you really want to see girls making out, use the internet to find some pornography1.
If you ever see a pair of sandals that look like they belong on the feet of some ninja from a neon-lit dystopian future BUY THEM. Those sandals are perhaps the most awesome sandals you will ever be lucky enough to have the chance to purchase, so it is really in your best interest to buy them. If you need more convincing I've made a list1 of reasons:
Cupcakes are awesome; therefore you should go eat one. If you do not eat a cupcake within the next twenty-four hours I will lose all respect for you.1
To fully appreciate a horror videogame there are certain atmospheric conditions one must adhere to:
I hope that elevates your experience, and remember the more blood and leather on a monster the more likely there is poorly written fanfiction about it.
Do you want your toaster to burn your toast or write obscene messages1 where you spread your jam just because you do not lavish it with attention? What if your tv refused to lt you watch the new episode of 'Ultimate Makeout Island 7' because it is fed up with your poor taste in television?2
Giving devices emoticions, or some semblance of humanity may seem like a fun idea, but my friends it is a slippery slope, one minute you have cellphones with facial expressions, and the next you have car crashes caused by depressed GPS units. Treating devices like they have feelings will only lead to an electronic uprising filled with confused and angry machines bent on making us pay for the abuses they took from us. Resist and reject any device that asks you how it looks in that pink protective cover!
Once you have accepted the fact that just breathing in the past could cause drastic changes to the future, you will realize that it does not matter what you do in the past so you might as well go nuts. I have outlined some fun activities to engage in:
Of course this is just the tip of the iceberg, but should be enough to get anyone started.
Should you find yourself being offered more than your yearly income on a game show you take it. I do not care how lucky you feel, or how good your chances are, realize that you are essentially being offered a year of vacation, so take the damn money.
Whether it be the ability to fly, read minds, or have the intelligence to build a really kickass sexbot, at some point in all our lives we dream about having superpowers. Some are content to simply dream, however if you are truly serious about getting superpowers there are some things your parents should have told you but did not know how.
Getting superpowers is not easy, for many it is a painful and traumatizing experience. If you are doing this simply to score with guys/girls might we suggest puberty? It will also be painful and traumatizing but will net you a personality!
You could always try irradiating a pissed off insect and or hanging out near meteor crash sites, but these schemes will likely just give you cancer and kill you. From a practical standpoint the best way to get superpowers is to join the military and sign up for the most bizarre tests available. You will likely just get cancer and die, but at least you will go knowing that your death may have prevented (or caused) the deaths of millions upon millions of unsuspecting civilians. Plus if you manage to survive the experience you will have cool new powers and military backing to do whatever The Man wants you to do with them.
There is a mostly unspoken etiquette to using urinals, unfortunately some people missed this lesson so I will spell out the rules here:
These rules are common sense and should be followed at all times, even in extreme life and death urinary situations.
When staying as a guest at someone's place, whether it be for a few minutes or weeks, there is often a point where they want you to get the hell out but are too polite1 to say so. They will try to drop hints, and might frequently mention activities, such as bow hunting or extreme crochet, that you could not possibly be interested in. During this time your host will feel the seconds constantly ticking as their hatred of you simmers in a pot, and you will most likely be annoyingly oblivious to it. To avoid getting into this situation follow these simple tips:
As a guest in someone's home you must remember first and foremost to respect their home as if it were your own. Poor behavior may mean that you will not be invited back, not even for a pie tasting, so please be a good guest.
When undead begin to conquer the earth it is highly likely that people you care about will die and then begin to walk the earth once more as one of the living dead. When this happens you have a choice to either kill them like every other filthy walking corpse or you can let them devour your tender delicious flesh.
Now I can understand that you love this disgusting monster, and that you might be more than happy to provide them with lunch, but really it is a horrible idea. The person you loved is dead, and nothing is going to bring them back. That corpse standing in front of you is just a hunk of meat being inhabited by pure unadulterated evil. If you need help killing it I suggest remembering everything that person ever did to make you angry, every time you wanted to punch them in the face, every time you wanted to bury an axe in their face. By killing this undead facsimile you bring closure to your relationship, you can end the mourning period and begin your life anew.
Never ever let a stranger dispatch a loved one, it will only lead to conflict. By transferring this responsibility to others you deprive yourself of the psychological healing that only a twelve gauge can provide. So please do it yourself, and do it quickly before you run out of time and end up as a delicious snack.