Fair Warning

Always knock on the door before entering a room.

If there is no door, or if knocking on the door will cause it to open knock on the door frame.

Do not cross the threshold of the room without being invited in. Knocking alone does not give you permission to enter a room.

If the occupant of the room says the need a minute, give them five.

Always, Always knock on the door before entering a room.

Before we get to the business of killing vampires, I would like to say that despite their classification as monsters not all vampires should be killed. Many are relatively civilized and peaceful, and are an important resource for historical information.

There are plenty of rumors and hearsay about how one kills the immortal blood sucking monsters commonly referred to as vampires. Religious objects such as holy water, or crucifixes will only annoy a vampire, since as we all know that the one true god is a giant kitten¹. Stakes through the heart hurt like a bitch, but as a vampire is undead it does not really need a heart anyhow. Silver bullets are for werewolves, and do nothing but annoy a vampire. Sunlight is commonly thought to be the greatest threat to the vampire, but although sunlight is dangerous to a vampire, it is more akin to a bad sunburn or allergic reaction.

To understand the murdering of a vampire, I suggest we look at the largest massacre of vampires in recorded history, the French Revolution. If you are already familiar with the revolution that you know that during the eighteenth century almost the entire French Aristocracy became vampires, mainly because it was fashionable.

As these blood-sucking nobles changed into undead creatures of the night, they had a few issues to take care of, most notably the smell and bloat caused by their rotting bodies and their new sensitivity to sunlight. Luckily just as fashion had gotten them into this mess, fashion got them out. The smell of rotting flesh was masked by expensive perfumes and soaps, which the nobles claimed were just to make them smell better than the commoners. Bloat was taken care of by draining excess fluid and gasses regularly, and by wearing stays when going out in public for long periods of time. Lead-based makeup, parasols and a nocturnal party schedule protected the vampires from the damaging rays of the sun, as well as from the rays of various superheroes.

But enough about the lifestyle of the French vampire, on to the killing. As you may or may not know, the vampire aristocracy was destroyed by an uprising of the common people². The people of France were angry about a whole load of offenses, not the least of which was being farmed like cattle for their blood. To properly dispose of the vampires, the peasants used a simple machine called the guillotine to remove the head.

Yes, the only sure fire way to kill a vampire is to decapitate it³.

Luckily the French vampire problem was almost entirely enclosed within the ranks of their nobles, and with the help of the guillotine they dispatched their problem almost over night. Of, course once they had gotten a taste for cutting people's heads off, the French had a very hard time stopping themselves, which led to years and years of upheaval. Additionally, to this day, vampires have to deal with the stereotype originally created by the French: effeminate makeup wearing assholes that hate absolutely everyone.

Again I would like to reiterate that blindly killing vampires helps no one. Please take care to find out that your target vampire is actually a vampire and not some douchebag with tooth implants. Also if your target appears to be very old, turn him over to a historian so they we may learn more about our past before you chop his blood sucking head off.

1. See Kittens, On killing [↩]
2. The revolution was actually masterminded by a council of mummies, ghosts, werewolves, and scientifically reanimated corpses. The purpose of this council was to influence supernaturally themed breakfast cereals, and they believed then, as they still do now, that the vampires had amassed too influence in regards to the human diet. [↩]
3. Some people also cremate the remains for fear of a frankampire, but these concerns are considered ridiculous. [↩]

Go find a mirror or fire up your webcam and look at yourself for five minutes. Seriously, I am not going anywhere.

Back? Now if you are like most people you probably found dozens of things wrong with your appearance and would consider yourself to be hideous¹². Now consider having a bunch identically hideous people walking around. Why would you ever want to do that to the world?

Also have you considered that one clone might try to take your place? What if in some sort of crazy action scene your partner will not know whether to shoot you or the clone? What if your clone makes a sex tape and sends it to your entire family as a Christmas card? All these situations are not only possible, but have happened on clone themed movies of the week released back in 1996³.

The only safe way to create a clone is to make them incredibly stupid, but the problem with that is that obviously they will only be good for manual labor and organ harvesting. I am pretty sure that creating them for manual labor would not be cost effective, and even a new kidney is probably cheaper than growing and raising a clone of your own.

So please do the world a favor and spend your cash on something more important like unlicensed monkey boxing.

1. Really though, you are probably far more beautiful/handsome than you think you are. [↩]
2. If for some reason you are not appalled by your own appearance you either have a very healthy self-image or you are a vain useless human being. Either way I most certainly hate you. [↩]
3. This is a totally fictitious statement....OR IS IT? [↩]

Unless you are some sort of cyclops¹ or a man who is too uptight and snooty for fun you should see every film you possibly can in 3D. This is not to say that 3D will make a horrible movie into a masterpiece, but the addition of the third dimension will make almost any move into a better one. In fact almost any enhanced showing of a film, wether it be in IMAX, 3D, Smell-O-Vision, or even the controversial Grope-a-Scope².

Look, we all know that seeing a movie in the theater is better than watching at home, and really seeing the most ridiculous, enhanced version of a film is worth an extra couple of bucks; so go do it, you will be glad you did.

1. I apologize to those who are depth-perception disabled. [↩]
2. Only available in Nevada. [↩]

On October 20th 1871, a little under two years after the completion of the first transcontinental railroad was another historic event, the first transcontinental punch to the face. Delivered by Joseph "Toothless Joey" Holden to Stephen "Steve" Stevenson Jr. this was the longest distance land-based punch¹ on record. Since that day the field of distanced punching has flourished, creating competitions, festivals, and various folk anthems.

You too can become a real folk hero by delivering your own distance punches; Just follow these simple steps:

1. Choose your target.
2. Clench your fist and keep it in a fist.
3. Travel to your target.
4. Confront the punch-ee².
5. Punch the punch-ee in the face.

You might want to start training with distances of a few miles, as keeping your hand clenched into a fist can be difficult for those new to distance punching. Work on progressively increasing your punching distance until you feel confident with the cross-country punches. Once you feel confident find someone worth spending hundreds of dollars to punch and then go ahead and do it!

Happy Punching!

1. At the time the record for longest punch was held by Benjamin Franklin. [↩]
2. Good form dictates that you make sure your punch-ee is conscious and alive before you break their face. [↩]

With one magical incantation or super virus you too can have an army of the undead roaming the earth. Even better is that this army has an incredibly powerful recruiting tactic; killing people. Let them loose and you will notice that society will completely crumble in a matter of days.

However zombies have a couple of major problems for the aspiring world conqueror:

1. They are decaying corpses, and as such they are really unpleasant to be around.
2. They are slow and easily tricked by resourceful humans.
3. They are really only concerned about finding food, not following orders.
4. They might just bite you while you are awarding medals of valor, and then you will be just another zombie.

In summary, zombies are fantastic for destroying society, but that strength is also their weakness. Zombies should only ever be used for a scorched earth campaign and never for conquest.

So princesses have a few nasty habits, such as pissing off witches, refusing to have their hair trimmed, and breaking bestiality codes by making out with amphibians, but worst of all is their habit of being abducted. Now it seems that no matter how much security surrounds a princess they somehow get snatched from their towers. Now once the reptile king, evil sorcerer, or love-struck frog-prince has stolen away with your princess it is time to act...

...or is it?

So the standard hero thing to do in this kind of situation is to fight through multiple surreal worlds so that you can save the princess before she has a chance to develop Stockholm syndrome . Now battling through these kinds of worlds used to be fun and exciting, but after you have saved that princess so many times don't you think it might be better if you decided not to risk your life for her when the only thanks that you are going to get are a kiss on the cheek and a job outfitting her castle with flush toilets?¹ Why save her when she will probably be abducted by another random bag of douche next week?

You are a strong, capable, high-jumping, smart, and possibly moustachioed man,² and you deserve to spend your time doing better things than rescuing damsels and fixing the royal plumbing. In fact did you ever realize that with these constant kidnappings the princess never really preforms any of her royal functions? Did you ever notice that in rescuing the princess you are just protecting a monarchy that is too weak to protect itself, and that you are protecting a feudal system designed to keep the common fungal peasantry in chains?

Rise up and assert your rights as a free man³ and choose not to save the princess. Overthrow the pitiful monarchy and form your own government based on freedom, justice, and mushrooms that make you feel ten feet tall.

1. I was going to go with something about fixing her pipes, but I figured people might take that the wrong way. [↩]
2. I apologize to female readers by saying that: "you are a strong, capable, high-jumping, smart, incredibly attractive, and possibly moustachioed woman." and am sorry for any offense that the statement, as originally written, has caused. I am happy to recognize that women are perfectly capable of rescuing princesses, and again apologize for assuming that only men would have interest in reading this. [↩]
3. Or woman [↩]

The best way to invite people to a party, is of course to talk to them in person or give them a good ‘ole phone call. Now this may seem old fashioned to some of you, but really having that real communication is the only way to fully express how badly you want someone to come to your awesome party¹. For more formal gatherings you may wish to also send out well-typeset invitations asking your friends to RSVP.

In this new, fancy 'web 2.0' world people have begun to use facebook and other social networking tools to speed up the invitation process. Now this is all well and good when it is used to supplement the traditional invite process, but using only services alone is incredibly stupid, in fact if you do that there is a chance that only one person will show up². Most people with real social lives do not spend all their time browsing the internet for new events to go to, instead they go out and actually have fun and you should show them some respect and give them a call if you actually want to see them. Also think of all your friends that are not on your social network of choice³, give them a call too and tell them how much you would dearly like to invite them to your splendid event.

Now go out and Party!

1. Perhaps even a super awesome party. [↩]
2. Source: Facebook in a Crowd [↩]
3. You know, before you started your internet addiction. [↩]

Do not slap people in the face, just do not do it whether you are male or female, young or old, there are very few times when it is appropriate to do so and you will probably never be in a situation where it is acceptable action. Slapping not only hurts, but it can also create real emotional scars for both the slap-ee and the slapper. Anyhoo appropriate times for slapping are the following:

1. You have written & signed consent from the other person, stating that they want to be slapped¹.
2. There is a large carnivorous insect on the other person's face.
3. You are a character on a daytime soap opera.
4. The other person needs to wake up or they will be late for their super important Calc II final.
5. You are a character in a Japanese flash game.
6. You are challenging the other person to a duel².
7. That is it, there are no more good reasons to slap someone.

Also as a final word of caution remember that in polite society any slap, punch, push, or fist bump may be construed as a challenge so be sure to keep your hands to yourself at fancy parties.

1. Violence is always best when it is consensual. [↩]
2. Proper duel challenging should always be done with a glove and not one's bare hands. [↩]

Never talk about yourself in the third person, it is not and has never been acceptable to do so, and unless well all become part of a cybernetic hive mind it will probably never be alright to do so. Only three kinds of people are allowed to talk about themselves in the third person: Insane people, actors performing poorly written monologues, and five year olds.

Zombie game shows are awesome¹, action-packed and often unintentionally hilarious, which is why you should create one of your own and become rich! Now there are a few formats that really lend themselves to the zombie theme:

• Zombie Island - Strand a group of people with minimal supplies on an island and then release zombies around the island. You can make it a game of survival, or more amusingly you can plant an important clue on each zombie and force the contestants to hunt the undead until they can get off of the island. Note, this can work at a mall, a prison, or even in the middle of a national park.
• Zombies Do the Darndest Things or America's Funniest Undead Videos - Film zombies doing stupid things, laugh, repeat until bored.
• The Bachelor: Extremely Desperate Edition - Take one man and twelve well preserved zombie women and let the fun begin. They go on dates, have fun, are equipped with muzzles to prevent biting, and of course shoots one in the head at the conclusion of each episode.
• Add zombies to any Japanese game show.
• The Price is Right - Bring a zombie Bob Barker² back to replace the abomination that is Drew Carey.

All of these shows are obviously absolute gold, and will make everyone involved something like a gazillion dollars. Remember of course to force all contestants to sign a ridiculous waver before filming starts, as you really don't want to get in a situation with zombie lawyers³.

1. This is all under the assumption that a zombie apocalypse has already occurred and the situation has been brought under control. If there has not already been a mass-outbreak of zombies then you probably know nothing about controlling them, and creating a game-show with them will most likely cause a zombie apocalypse of it's own. So don't be the guy who fucks over the world, let someone else do it first! [↩]
2. I realize he's not dead, but still, awesome. [↩]
3. No really, I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about right here. Zombie lawyers? What the fuck does that have to do with anything at all? [↩]

If you ever have aspirations to rule the world, blow up national monuments, or merely take revenge on the people who bullied you in the first grade using a nuclear powered super-laser from the moon, then you will probably have to deal with a super-spy. The key, of course to killing any super-spy is to shoot him(or her) in the head and throw the corpse into a furnace. That's it. All super-spies are arrogant asses, and at some point you will capture them, and that is when you end it. Now you might be tempted to keep them alive for interrogation, torture, or as some sort of bargaining chip, but the fact is that torture does not work and every second a spy is alive is a second that you are in danger, so end it.

The word 'Concur' has got to be one of the finest words in the english language. Just say it out loud and you will agree; the happiness that one word gives is almost palpable. One should strive to use the word everyday, although you must be vigilant to never concur inappropriately.

It is a sad time in American history, fewer and fewer of our nation's young people are singing and dancing in the street. However you can do something about this, and all you have to do is what you were born to do, sing! Now you might be afraid to sing alone, but that is why man invented street gangs, like the Jets, the Sharks, and of course the Fighting Mongooses. With a street gang you can be a fearsome force, dancing, snapping and singing as a cohesive unit.

However, even if you are all alone, you can still inspire, and educate, and maybe even convince others to join you in song. It is important however, to keep to the classic more well known songs, so that anyone can join in. The following selection is great for this and for karaoke too:

1. Stand by Me
2. Anything by Three Dog Night
3. Don't Stop Believing
4. Wannabe
5. Build Me Up Buttercup
6. Torn
7. BananaPhone
8. You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'
9. Eye of the Tiger
10. AND MANY MORE¹

So get out there and start singing, save our children from an existence without the beauty of random music and street gangs!

1. If you actually have any to suggest please email us at tekgofairwarning@gmail.com [↩]

We all want to be able to honestly respond to the question "How are the kids?", but children are really so hard to come by these days. Now if you get as much junk mail as we get at the Fair Warning offices, then you've probably seen mail-order baby catalogs like "Super Babies: Genetically engineered for you!", "Orphans! Buy 3 get 7 more free!", or my personal favorite "Modest Proposal Quarterly". These services are great, but one should be careful when ordering small children through the mail as I have recently been informed that it is illegal to transport children through the post¹. This is why one should always, and I mean always transport your children via independent package services, or for large orders commission a freight service.

1. http://flickr.com/photos/smithsonian/2584174182/ [↩]

Whenever you are getting on a bus, train, ferry, trolley or airship please follow these steps.

1. Get to the station or stop before the vehicle is scheduled to arrive.
2. Have your ticket or exact change prepared before you board.
3. Wait for people to exit the vehicle before you get on. It is physically impossible for two non-superpowered people to share the same space at the same time, thus someone will have to get out of the way. Letting people to exit before you enter will make everyone happier and will speed up the process.
4. No, I am serious, stand at least five feet from the doors so that people can exit the bus/train/whatever, standing in the way is not going to get you on board any faster.
5. Find a seat or place to stand as soon as you can, and stay there.
6. Do not try to engage me in conversation; seriously I doubt that you have anything to say that will actually be interesting to me.

While I am on a technology kick, let us talk about cell phones, specifically their batteries. Now I do not particularly like my cell phone, it does not have any awesome features like web browsing, music, or lasers, but it at least works as a phone and can sync via Bluetooth. If I had money to burn, I would probably throw this phone into a blender and switch to a different network, but I do not so I will not.

Of course I said I would talk about my cell phone's battery, which like all batteries is slowly decreasing in maximum charge, and at some point will be unable to allow me to have a proper conversation about my future ambitions with a phone sex operator; however this is pretty standard and not worth complaining about.

What I do want to complain about is how the device decides to tell me that it has a low battery. My phone will vibrate every few minutes just to tell me that yes, it still is low on battery and yes it still would be a good idea to plug it in. It is like a five year old who got an extra large drink at the Taco Bell twenty miles back and has now decided that he is going to complain every two minutes about how he needs to take a leak. Well fuck that, I am making good time and you need to learn to shut up and hold it in.

Unfortunately although children can learn, at least to fear you, cell phones cannot and my phone will probably continue to irritate me till my damn contract is up.

Since when did someone decide that having my devices do things without my permission was a good thing? Now when my roomba automagically cleans the horrible dirt-ridden sty that is my basement, that is one thing because it's awesome and I scheduled it to do it, my roomba did not just figure out my level of household cleanliness and begin to clean-up after me.

Contrast this with my Windows PC that will update and restart itself without my permission, even sometimes against my permission. Now I think it is great that my PC is proactive about finding and downloading updates so that it can protect me from the evils of 'the web',¹ but I really can't accept it installing these updates without my permission. What if these updates are faulty? What if the obligatory restart cancels my 35GB downloads of 'research material'?

Now my point is that I don't want to wake up one day to find out that my computer, my Xbox and my phone have all been 'upgraded' to be emotional passive-aggressive crybabies conspiring to keep me inside my home because it is for my own good.

1. I prefer to envision the internet not as series of tubes, but as a corrosive sea filled with evil pirates and surfers with absurd names like Ray Tracer. [↩]

If you are at a party, and there is drinking involved, invariably some guy will spend a good portion of the evening trying to get inebriated girls to make out. Do not be that guy. First of all, if girls want to make out, they will do so without you pressuring them too, just let it happen. Second, you can spend all that time and persuasive energy getting some action for yourself instead of worrying about what these girls are doing. Finally, if you really want to see girls making out, use the internet to find some pornography¹.

1. I would specify lesbian pornography but I am pretty sure that now every porn, even gay midget porn, contains women playing tonsil hockey. [↩]

If you ever see a pair of sandals that look like they belong on the feet of some ninja from a neon-lit dystopian future BUY THEM. Those sandals are perhaps the most awesome sandals you will ever be lucky enough to have the chance to purchase, so it is really in your best interest to buy them. If you need more convincing I've made a list¹ of reasons:

1. These shoes are awesome.
2. By wearing awesome shoes you will become more awesome by association.
3. Future-ninja training could begin at any moment, and you need to be prepared.
4. They are really really comfortable, try them on!
5. If you do not buy them you will regret it for a long time².

1. If you haven't noticed, I really like to make lists [↩]
2. I know I do. Not buying those fantastic futuristic ninja sandals is the worst mistake I've ever made. [↩]