If there is no door, or if knocking on the door will cause it to open knock on the door frame.

Do not cross the threshold of the room without being invited in. Knocking alone does not give you permission to enter a room.

If the occupant of the room says the need a minute, give them five.

Always, Always knock on the door before entering a room.

There are plenty of rumors and hearsay about how one kills the immortal blood sucking monsters commonly referred to as vampires. Religious objects such as holy water, or crucifixes will only annoy a vampire, since as we all know that the one true god is a giant kitten¹. Stakes through the heart hurt like a bitch, but as a vampire is undead it does not really need a heart anyhow. Silver bullets are for werewolves, and do nothing but annoy a vampire. Sunlight is commonly thought to be the greatest threat to the vampire, but although sunlight is dangerous to a vampire, it is more akin to a bad sunburn or allergic reaction.

To understand the murdering of a vampire, I suggest we look at the largest massacre of vampires in recorded history, the French Revolution. If you are already familiar with the revolution that you know that during the eighteenth century almost the entire French Aristocracy became vampires, mainly because it was fashionable.

As these blood-sucking nobles changed into undead creatures of the night, they had a few issues to take care of, most notably the smell and bloat caused by their rotting bodies and their new sensitivity to sunlight. Luckily just as fashion had gotten them into this mess, fashion got them out. The smell of rotting flesh was masked by expensive perfumes and soaps, which the nobles claimed were just to make them smell better than the commoners. Bloat was taken care of by draining excess fluid and gasses regularly, and by wearing stays when going out in public for long periods of time. Lead-based makeup, parasols and a nocturnal party schedule protected the vampires from the damaging rays of the sun, as well as from the rays of various superheroes.

But enough about the lifestyle of the French vampire, on to the killing. As you may or may not know, the vampire aristocracy was destroyed by an uprising of the common people². The people of France were angry about a whole load of offenses, not the least of which was being farmed like cattle for their blood. To properly dispose of the vampires, the peasants used a simple machine called the guillotine to remove the head.

Yes, the only sure fire way to kill a vampire is to decapitate it³.

Luckily the French vampire problem was almost entirely enclosed within the ranks of their nobles, and with the help of the guillotine they dispatched their problem almost over night. Of, course once they had gotten a taste for cutting people's heads off, the French had a very hard time stopping themselves, which led to years and years of upheaval. Additionally, to this day, vampires have to deal with the stereotype originally created by the French: effeminate makeup wearing assholes that hate absolutely everyone.

Again I would like to reiterate that blindly killing vampires helps no one. Please take care to find out that your target vampire is actually a vampire and not some douchebag with tooth implants. Also if your target appears to be very old, turn him over to a historian so they we may learn more about our past before you chop his blood sucking head off.

1. See Kittens, On killing
2. The revolution was actually masterminded by a council of mummies, ghosts, werewolves, and scientifically reanimated corpses. The purpose of this council was to influence supernaturally themed breakfast cereals, and they believed then, as they still do now, that the vampires had amassed too influence in regards to the human diet.
3. Some people also cremate the remains for fear of a frankampire, but these concerns are considered ridiculous.

Back? Now if you are like most people you probably found dozens of things wrong with your appearance and would consider yourself to be hideous¹². Now consider having a bunch identically hideous people walking around. Why would you ever want to do that to the world?

Also have you considered that one clone might try to take your place? What if in some sort of crazy action scene your partner will not know whether to shoot you or the clone? What if your clone makes a sex tape and sends it to your entire family as a Christmas card? All these situations are not only possible, but have happened on clone themed movies of the week released back in 1996³.

The only safe way to create a clone is to make them incredibly stupid, but the problem with that is that obviously they will only be good for manual labor and organ harvesting. I am pretty sure that creating them for manual labor would not be cost effective, and even a new kidney is probably cheaper than growing and raising a clone of your own.

So please do the world a favor and spend your cash on something more important like unlicensed monkey boxing.

1. Really though, you are probably far more beautiful/handsome than you think you are.
2. If for some reason you are not appalled by your own appearance you either have a very healthy self-image or you are a vain useless human being. Either way I most certainly hate you.
3. This is a totally fictitious statement....OR IS IT?

Look, we all know that seeing a movie in the theater is better than watching at home, and really seeing the most ridiculous, enhanced version of a film is worth an extra couple of bucks; so go do it, you will be glad you did.

1. I apologize to those who are depth-perception disabled.
2. Only available in Nevada.

You too can become a real folk hero by delivering your own distance punches; Just follow these simple steps:

1. Choose your target.
2. Clench your fist and keep it in a fist.
3. Travel to your target.
4. Confront the punch-ee².
5. Punch the punch-ee in the face.

You might want to start training with distances of a few miles, as keeping your hand clenched into a fist can be difficult for those new to distance punching. Work on progressively increasing your punching distance until you feel confident with the cross-country punches. Once you feel confident find someone worth spending hundreds of dollars to punch and then go ahead and do it!

Happy Punching!

1. At the time the record for longest punch was held by Benjamin Franklin.
2. Good form dictates that you make sure your punch-ee is conscious and alive before you break their face.

However zombies have a couple of major problems for the aspiring world conqueror:

1. They are decaying corpses, and as such they are really unpleasant to be around.
2. They are slow and easily tricked by resourceful humans.
3. They are really only concerned about finding food, not following orders.
4. They might just bite you while you are awarding medals of valor, and then you will be just another zombie.

In summary, zombies are fantastic for destroying society, but that strength is also their weakness. Zombies should only ever be used for a scorched earth campaign and never for conquest.

...or is it?

So the standard hero thing to do in this kind of situation is to fight through multiple surreal worlds so that you can save the princess before she has a chance to develop Stockholm syndrome . Now battling through these kinds of worlds used to be fun and exciting, but after you have saved that princess so many times don't you think it might be better if you decided not to risk your life for her when the only thanks that you are going to get are a kiss on the cheek and a job outfitting her castle with flush toilets?¹ Why save her when she will probably be abducted by another random bag of douche next week?

You are a strong, capable, high-jumping, smart, and possibly moustachioed man,² and you deserve to spend your time doing better things than rescuing damsels and fixing the royal plumbing. In fact did you ever realize that with these constant kidnappings the princess never really preforms any of her royal functions? Did you ever notice that in rescuing the princess you are just protecting a monarchy that is too weak to protect itself, and that you are protecting a feudal system designed to keep the common fungal peasantry in chains?

Rise up and assert your rights as a free man³ and choose not to save the princess. Overthrow the pitiful monarchy and form your own government based on freedom, justice, and mushrooms that make you feel ten feet tall.

1. I was going to go with something about fixing her pipes, but I figured people might take that the wrong way.
2. I apologize to female readers by saying that: "you are a strong, capable, high-jumping, smart, incredibly attractive, and possibly moustachioed woman." and am sorry for any offense that the statement, as originally written, has caused. I am happy to recognize that women are perfectly capable of rescuing princesses, and again apologize for assuming that only men would have interest in reading this.
3. Or woman

In this new, fancy 'web 2.0' world people have begun to use facebook and other social networking tools to speed up the invitation process. Now this is all well and good when it is used to supplement the traditional invite process, but using only services alone is incredibly stupid, in fact if you do that there is a chance that only one person will show up². Most people with real social lives do not spend all their time browsing the internet for new events to go to, instead they go out and actually have fun and you should show them some respect and give them a call if you actually want to see them. Also think of all your friends that are not on your social network of choice³, give them a call too and tell them how much you would dearly like to invite them to your splendid event.

Now go out and Party!

1. Perhaps even a super awesome party.
2. Source: Facebook in a Crowd
3. You know, before you started your internet addiction.

1. You have written & signed consent from the other person, stating that they want to be slapped¹.
2. There is a large carnivorous insect on the other person's face.
3. You are a character on a daytime soap opera.
4. The other person needs to wake up or they will be late for their super important Calc II final.
5. You are a character in a Japanese flash game.
6. You are challenging the other person to a duel².
7. That is it, there are no more good reasons to slap someone.

Also as a final word of caution remember that in polite society any slap, punch, push, or fist bump may be construed as a challenge so be sure to keep your hands to yourself at fancy parties.

1. Violence is always best when it is consensual.
2. Proper duel challenging should always be done with a glove and not one's bare hands.