Fair Warning

First of all, keeping a pet zombie is a very bad idea. On the other hand, it's fun, and doesn't break any kidnapping laws. If you decide to keep your best friend, your girlfriend, or even that hot celebrity as a zombie pet in your basement/shed/stripclub remember these simple rules.

1. Use high quality steel chains, and make sure that whatever they are attached to has no chance of coming lose. I suggest using a truck to test the strength of these bonds.
2. Wire or otherwise secure their jaw closed, so that they cannot bite you even if they were to break their chains.
3. Feed them raw meat regularly, even though they are already dead they still need to eat. Zombies are not picky though and will happily eat anything you can get from your local butcher.
4. Zombies are masses of decaying flesh. So make sure that you do not have any open wounds around the zombie, and that you thoroughly clean yourself after interacting with them.

Should you get bored with your zombie pet, please do not flush them down the toilet. Instead donate them to your local zombie labor farm so that they may be productive to society.

It's official, responding to anything by simply repeating it and adding 'your face!' or anything similar is now off limits. I was funny for about five minutes, but now it's over. So stop it.

If you see a zombie, RUN! Don't stop to shake hands, hug, or even criticize them on their ripped pants.

If you have a cool new device you are obligated to let you friends play with it.

posted from a friend's iPhone

Ripped jeans can look cool, but only if they've gotten that look through use. Buying jeans, or any new clothes with a worn look is stupid, and is more expensive. If you absolutely need to make your jeans look old quickly, grab a belt-sander and a dremel tool and work on the jeans for 10 minutes.¹

Rips 2 inches or more above the knee are unacceptable. If there are rips in the vicinity of the crotch one should either quickly sew them closed or throw the jeans out.

Rips in pants other than jeans are not and will probably never be considered good looking, please buy a new pair of pants.

1. Not responsible for destruction of pants. [↩]

As is the custom in Canada, favors may be returned with beer and pizza.

If you ask someone to do you a favor, you must be willing to do for them a favor of roughly equivalent value. Value is calculated based on the following formula:

(time*difficulty*annoyance) / months since the favor

As you can see that value is a product of the time taken, the difficulty of the favor and the annoyance of the favor. However the value of a favor decreases every month and all but the most intense favors are worthless after a year.

Not returning a favor when prompted to is an act of Douchebaggery, as is expecting someone to return a long since forgotten favor.

1. If you're thinking of traveling in time, don't!
2. If you insist on going back in time, make sure you have a fool proof method to come back, even if you don't intend to.
3. If you've already gone back in time, according to chaos theory you've possibly screwed up everything just by breathing, so feel free to mess around as much as you want.
4. If you travel to the future, snag me a pair of sneakers and a hoverboard.

Wearing a shirt with profanity, instructions for being misogynist , or diagrams of sexual positions make you look like either:

1. White trash
2. A frat boy with a D+ average
3. A plain old idiot

So please do not wear one of these shirts in public. Should a friend give you one(hopefully as a joke) either burn it, or wear it only on laundry day.

Quick decisions may be made through a game of Rock Paper Scissors.