Fair Warning

Quoting a religious text, a German philosopher¹, or L. Ron Hubbard will pretty much lose you any argument that is not specifically about the text itself. Look, God is great and all that, but you can't use her² to win your arguments for you. Arguments and discussions should be based on logic, not on what God may or may not have told some man to write thousands of years ago. Also there are so many contradictions in most holy texts that it's really not worth it to directly quote them. Luckily most rules that do not directly mention god have a logical reason for existing, a logical reason you can use to win. So instead of saying "Whores bad because God said so!" say "Whores are bad because they spread disease, undermine the value of monogamous relationships and steal our precious bodily fluids!"³. However, if you still lose the argument feel free to use your religious text to beat your opponent.

1. You know the one I mean... [↩]
2. We don't assume to apply a human gender to God, but we would rather have a God with a nick rack instead of a white beard. [↩]
3. This blog does not condone or condemn whoring, but we do condemn the theft of our vital bodily fluids! [↩]

So you want to build some sort of ultimate death ray do you? Well here is what you do in eleven easy steps:

1. Kidnap some scientists, remember if you kidnap a dozen, the second dozen are half off.
2. Max out all your credit cards buying equipment.
3. Announce your death ray to the world, just days before it's operational.
4. Capture the super spy who is trying to stop you.
5. Have a continental breakfast.
6. Have your henchmen kill the spy.
7. Start the overly long countdown sequence.
8. Watch in horror as the spy stops your weapon from firing.
9. Flee in some sort of rocket propelled device.
10. Sell the ray gun plans on the world market to pay off your creditors.
11. Start over.

Now you could kill the spy yourself, but what's the point of having henchmen if you do everything yourself?

Should you ever come miss a portion of a movie or television show and feel lost about any aspect of it, do not ask questions until it is over. There are a couple of reasons for this:

1. The people around you are trying to watch the movie themselves, asking questions will both break the illusions the movie presents, and might make them miss an important moment.
2. A great majority of questions will be answered by the movie itself, filmmakers usually repeat information to an insane degree and anything you missed during your five minute bathroom excursion will probably be shown to you again.
3. If that little piece that you missed is so important to you, you can see it again.

Most importantly, it's your own damn fault for missing out so shut up and watch the movie.

While on bus or train, especially for an extended period of time, it may seem pertinent to keep more than one seat for your self. There are several reasons for doing this; privacy, claustrophobia, hatred for all mankind, delicate nasal passages, and of course extra room for a large posterior. To achieve this goal follow these steps:

1. Enter the vehicle as early as possible and find your seats.
2. Place at least one bag or article of clothing in each seat you wish to secure.
3. Look angry, homeless and dangerous.
4. Glare at everyone who comes by.
5. If someone insists on sitting in your extra seat(s) glare at them until they move.

This should work in all situations, however should the bus or train fill up, or should an attractive member of the opposite sex come by, give your extra seat up graciously.

Tip of the hat to Jim Smylie.

Although you may not recognize it, doing any of the following things can instantly lose an argument for you:

• Responding with 'Your Face', 'Your Mother', or any sort of ill conceived personal attack.
• Comparing your opponent or their position with Nazis. See usage of 'Godwin's Law'
• Invoking Godwin's Law instead of mounting a proper defense.
• Making esoteric references that even you do not properly understand.
• Screaming about babies, kittens or other adorable small mammals.

Should you at any point decide to become a costumed villain choose a persona that you will not regret in several years. A super villain's persona is like a tattoo, the only way to change it involves lots of scarring with lasers. Now if you gain super powers from an animal you are pretty much stuck, however if your powers come from some sort of industrial accident you have a lot of choices.

I suggest kidnapping a small group of people and running your ideas by them. Do not be too sensitive, one joker in the group will probably rip your ideas to shred, do not rip his body to shreds in return, at least not until you have found a name and persona that is impervious to puns.