Fair Warning

Do you know why the food pyramid is a pyramid? It is not because it is a simple way to graphically display the suggested servings of the various food groups, but because pyramids are places that straddle the line between immortality and death. Now what is dead but not dead? Ghosts! Thats right, now what does the USDA want you to do with ghosts? Eat them as part of a balanced diet!

Unfortunately the human digestive system has a poor time with spectral essences, and without the proper support it can lead to intestinal haunting. In the olden days one had to have a firm knowledge of the occult to get their daily regimen of ectoplasm. However recent developments in pharmacology have led to a new pill called Ectopril™¹ that can ease digestion of spirits. Now you can explore dark mazes for ghosts to fill your nutritional needs without fear of bowel possession².

1. The name Ectopril™ is merely for branding purposes, the compound itself is called Spectrophion. [↩]
2. Side effects of Spectrophion include hyperactivity, nausea, jaundice, aphasia and dry mouth. [↩]

Small talk is a funny thing, it is boring and seems useless, but can lead to lasting friendships. One of the most enjoyable ways to start any conversation is to ask "How are the kids?"¹. The most interesting responses to this query are by people without children because it gives them the freedom to produce an imaginary family especially for the conversation. This imaginary family can lead to conversations the next time you encounter the person and create a personal dialogue between the two of you. Through the formation of these constructs you can explore the imaginative processes of someone else and learn if you would like to form a relationship with them, as well as fill awkward silences.

1. This should never be confused for asking about the twins, which is sexist and boring. [↩]

It is common sense that breathing in smoke is bad for your health. No one in their right mind should think that breathing in fire, or the products of fire, is good for you in the long run. Smokers know this; everyone knows this and pretending otherwise would be childish. Reminding people of this fact helps no one, and merely makes you look ridiculous and annoying. Deriding other people's choice of self-destruction may make you feel better about your petty existence, but please, please keep it to yourself so you do not look like an ass.

Time was in this great country that befriending a Hobo was as easy as hoping a train with a group of strangers and abandoning everything you knew. Unfortunately times have changed, and if you are looking for a Hobo to befriend/keep in a tent in your backyard, then you have your work cut out for you.

The first thing you will want to do is find a Hobo-city, or Shantytown. Check your local alleys and be sure to bring your safety-buddy. Shantytowns are grouped housing made from whatever can be easily scavenged. Remember, never enter a Shanty house unless invited.

The next step is to choose a Hobo to "court" and buy his or her friendship. Try talking to your Hobo about relevant topics such as: The Great Depression, Po' Boys Soup, Old Top Hats, Harmonica Solos, Medium Sized Dogs, The Da Vinci Code (Illus. Hardcover edition), How Much It Sucks That Trainyard Guards Are Allowed To Carry Firearms, The Grateful Dead and Crumpled Newspaper. If your Hobo is friendly feel free to bring them a gift. If you have chosen an anti-social Hobo it may require leaving a few gifts nearby before they are comfortable talking to you.

After a while your Hobo will begin to follow you around, expecting that more gifts will follow. At this point in the relationship it is acceptable to discuss moving your Hobo into the tent in your backyard.

Here at Fair Warning we welcome ideas and thoughts from our readers. We are always looking for ideas and thoughts from you. If you have an idea for us to write about, or would merely like to mercilessly criticize us please send an email to tekgofairwarning@gmail.com.

If you would like to contribute in a larger capacity by authoring your own posts we are also interested. Please send an example post along with information about yourself to tekgofairwarning@gmail.com.

A great way to decide on anything is to flip a coin. Of course there is always the one in a million chance that said coin will land on its edge and stay there. If this should happen, forget about whatever you were trying to decide, because now you can read people's minds! That is right! You are now a goddamn mind reader! Here are some fun activities you can do with your powers:

1. Win at poker, blackjack, and many other games of 'chance'!
2. Pick up chicks!
3. Ride a bike!
4. Reveal people's most terrible secrets to the world!
5. Finally understand Dennis Miller's Jokes!
6. Slap people who think they are better than you!

Now remember, these powers only last as long as the coin stays on end; should the coin fall over for any reason your powers are gone, as is your sense of self-worth.

At some point in your life, you will find yourself in an unhealthy relationship with an unfeeling inanimate object. This object may be in the form of a stuffed animal, a car, a computer or even a lowly weighted cube. Unfortunately inanimate objects tend to have a less than stellar life-span. In fact there is a good chance that you will have to dispose of the object yourself, whether this involves selling it, giving it away, losing it, or throwing it into a furnace¹.

Do not be sad, the object really does not love you anyway and remember that we live in a materialistic society and by creating attachments with items you have been playing right into The Man's² hands.

1. Should the object begin to talk to you remember that it cannot talk - unless it's a Speak & Spell - and that you should disregard anything it says. [↩]
2. Unlike some other supernatural beings, we at Fair Warning believe in the existence of The Man, and we urge you to send in any information you might have about him. [↩]

The Devil¹ is an excellent salesman. He could sell you your own shit and you would thank him for it. As such it's probably not a very good idea to make a deal with the Devil, however should you wish to here are a few tips:

1. Before you make a deal, think about eternal damnation for a while and make sure whatever you want is worth it.
2. You can't wish for love, I am sorry to say it but the other person has a thing called free will².
3. Do not worry about making the deal incredibly specific, if the Devil is going to cheat you he'll find a way no matter how airtight the terms may seem.
4. Fame and fortune are boring, wish for something else.
5. If you are seriously considering anything relating to sex you are an idiot, go pick up some whores instead.
6. You are not awesome enough to cheat the Devil so do not try it³.

Anyway, there you have it...good luck!

1. I don't know if God, the Devil, or the Buddha actually exist, but it is always best to assume the worst. [↩]
2. This is actually disputable, but life would be pretty bleak should free will not exist. [↩]
3. Unless of course you are a blond, british douchebag. [↩]

If someone claims to be from the future, and tells you to do something to save the world¹ there are really four possible outcomes:

1. You follow their instructions and they are wrong; nothing bad happens, but you feel like an idiot.
2. You ignore them and they are wrong; nothing bad happens and you are saved from possible embarrassment.
3. You follow their instructions and they are right; you save the world....AWESOME!
4. You ignore them and they are right; world ends and you could have saved it, you would sure feel like an asshole then.

Obviously the correct course of action is to follow their instructions. In the worst case scenario you feel like an idiot and perhaps end up in prison; however if they are correct then you save the world, and chicks sure dig heroes. So next time some bum tells you he is from the future listen closely, or the world might end and that is really unacceptable.

1. Such as saving some blond bitch from Texas, or killing the next Hitler. [↩]

Contrary to popular belief masturbation does not kill kittens, nor does it influence the kitten killing habits of any divine beings. God loves kittens, otherwise why would they be so cute? In all probability God is actually a giant kitten, and created kittens in her likeness.

So if you came here looking for advice on killing kittens you have obviously come to the wrong place. Here we serve the great kitten, and resign ourselves to being entangled by her great strings of fate¹. So repent your evil kitten killing ways and offer up a great sacrifice of catnip² to the great heavenly kitten! NOW!

1. Which incidentally are made of yarn. [↩]
2. You could just go adopt a kitten and care for it, but catnip sacrifices are significantly more dramatic. [↩]

To kill a zombie you must destroy brain, or sever the spine. Although shooting a zombie in the head may seem like a good idea, it has a couple downsides: ammunition is a valuable resource during a zombie apocalypse, and a single bullet may leave enough brain matter intact for the zombie to survive and continue trying to eat you. Most zombie hunters prefer to use either a large bladed instrument(i.e. an axe or sword) or a blunt object(i.e. a lead pipe or cricket bat).

For large mobs of zombies, it is wise to use a combination of semi-automatic firearms and explosives. I personally suggest napalm¹ but you will have to make due with what you have. Be wary of your surroundings when facing a large force of zombies, as it is easy for one to sneak by your defenses and get behind you. Should your defenses become ineffective it is best to just run away and save yourself.

After you are done rekilling the animated corpses, you will have to dispose of the remains. To destroy any chance of the infection spreading to other vectors(such as birds or insects), it is best to burn the corpses. Again I suggest napalm, gasoline, or alcohol. Be sure to wear protective clothing when handling the dead, and triple check all your friends for wounds beforehand.

1. No, I am not going to tell you how to make it. Figure it out for yourself. [↩]

Smoking cigarettes is great, it helps one be social, it's good for the brain¹, it helps weight loss, and it works to fulfill one's desire for death. However, though you may view your nicotine addiction as a rebellion against society, there are certain things you should remember when you choose to light up.

1. Have your own cigarettes, nothing is more irksome than someone bumming smokes.
2. Get a real lighter, preferably a Zippo, cheap plastic lighters make you look like a fool.
3. Do not smoke around children, if you need a good reason not to, you are an imbecile.
4. Do not smoke around non-smokers. Non-smokers choose not to smoke for a variety of reasons, but for many it is because they have allergic reactions to cigarette smoke. Worsening the health of others so that you can smoke is a major act of douchebaggery and should be avoided at all costs. Try to keep at least a ten foot distance between yourself and anyone not smoking.
5. Chew some gum afterwards, you may have already stunk up your clothes, but that is no reason for your breath to stink.

Keeping these guidelines in mind will both improve your own smoking experience, but also preserve the cool image of smoking that the tobacco industry has fought so hard to create.

1. Well the nicotine is anyway: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotine#Psychoactive_effects [↩]

So, in your exploring of various fungal and reptilian kingdoms you may find various pipes. These pipes can be found in a full spectrum of colors, ranging from the typical green to bright shades of red and yellow and the always foreboding black ones. These pipes were created by greedy plumbing contractors¹ who wanted to strip these kingdoms of their wealth and have led to their current economic depression. These incompetent plumbers built many overly large pipes, many of which go absolutely nowhere.

Now that you have a basic understanding of the nature of these pipes, here are the most common things found within them:

1. Damp underground caves filled with bats, reptiles and bottomless pits. These caves can be shortcuts, or momentary diversions to keep you occupied.
2. Man-eating fire-breathing plants that have been planted by young fungi punks.
3. The hidden treasure troves of the contractors, filled with coins and contraband.
4. Pointless games designed to alleviate your fears about the meaningless of life for a brief period of time.
5. Hallucinatory visions where one will feel as though they are in the sky, floating on smiling clouds.

Beware most of all pipes with numbers stenciled on them, as they may lead you to dangerous places that you may not be prepared for.

1. The identity of these contractors has since been lost in the great fireflower epidemic of 1985. [↩]

Everyone loves Scrabble, it's fun and it allows people to show off their monster vocabularies. However, using an online service to find words for you is just lame. Games of knowledge like Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit are based on people's ability to recall stored information quickly; using the great external memory and processing power of the internet defeats the purpose and fun of these games.

So look, next time you use a seven letter word only found in organic chemistry textbooks I am just going to tell you to fuck off.

Imagine this, you are trying to climb a structure so that you can save a pixelated princess, and a monkey¹ keeps throwing barrels! Seriously! How fucked up is that? Anyhow to save the princess you are going to have to master the careful art of barrel dodging. In learning to barrel dodge remember these following tips:

1. Barrels always roll downwards, so if you are above a barrel you have nothing to worry about.
2. Barrels will fall down ladders, do not try climbing upwards when barrels are above you.
3. When a barrel is on the same level as you get a running start and hurdle over it.
4. Do not try to stop the barrel and pick it up, you are small and will be flattened.

Hopefully with these tips you will learn to save the Princess, at least until she gets kidnapped by some other pixelated villain.

1. Such monkeys are often called Donkey, but remember, if it looks like a monkey it is not a donkey. [↩]

Should you ever be on the receiving end of a beating, remember that it is customary to scream 'Not the face!'. Now you might be thinking that such a phrase would only invite your assailants to attack your face. Although it is true that a few sadistic motherfuckers would take it as an invitation¹, but most people will find it so humorous that the ferocity of the beating will let up.

1. Should this cause you to be beaten within an inch of your life, I, the writer of this blog takes absolutely no responsibility. [↩]