Fair Warning

Whether it be the ability to fly, read minds, or have the intelligence to build a really kickass sexbot, at some point in all our lives we dream about having superpowers. Some are content to simply dream, however if you are truly serious about getting superpowers there are some things your parents should have told you but did not know how.

Getting superpowers is not easy, for many it is a painful and traumatizing experience. If you are doing this simply to score with guys/girls might we suggest puberty? It will also be painful and traumatizing but will net you a personality!

You could always try irradiating a pissed off insect and or hanging out near meteor crash sites, but these schemes will likely just give you cancer and kill you. From a practical standpoint the best way to get superpowers is to join the military and sign up for the most bizarre tests available. You will likely just get cancer and die, but at least you will go knowing that your death may have prevented (or caused) the deaths of millions upon millions of unsuspecting civilians. Plus if you manage to survive the experience you will have cool new powers and military backing to do whatever The Man wants you to do with them.

There is a mostly unspoken etiquette to using urinals, unfortunately some people missed this lesson so I will spell out the rules here:

1. If no one is using the urinals take the first one you see.
2. If one or more are in use take the urinal farthest away from others as to minimize proximity.
3. Should all the urinals be in use wait at least five feet from the bank of urinals and do not look at those currently urinating.
4. During urination look straight ahead, do not look at your equipment or the equipment of others.
5. Feel free to make conversation with others, but do not be surprised when others do not respond to you.
6. Do not sing during urination.
7. Only grunt, moan, or exclaim at how relaxing it is to relieve your bladder unless drunk.
8. Keep on hand on your equipment at all times.
9. Make sure your aim is straight and true.
10. Never, under any circumstances defecate in a urinal.
11. Flush.

These rules are common sense and should be followed at all times, even in extreme life and death urinary situations.

When staying as a guest at someone's place, whether it be for a few minutes or weeks, there is often a point where they want you to get the hell out but are too polite¹ to say so. They will try to drop hints, and might frequently mention activities, such as bow hunting or extreme crochet, that you could not possibly be interested in. During this time your host will feel the seconds constantly ticking as their hatred of you simmers in a pot, and you will most likely be annoyingly oblivious to it. To avoid getting into this situation follow these simple tips:

1. Always remember that it is not your place and you have no innate right to be there.
2. If your host leaves the premises leave as well unless your are specifically told you can stay.
3. Take any mention of 'Bow Hunting' to mean 'Get the fuck out'.
4. Set an approximate time for your stay before you come over, and leave when that time comes.
5. Smell better than your hosts at all times.
6. Stop insisting that you will go after one more game/Buffy episode and just leave.
7. Always be polite and offer to help around the house, but do not be overly enthusiastic about helping as you may destroy some carefully followed filing system or something.
8. Always keep your pants on, unless showering, defecating, or engaging in a Pantsless O'Clock² party with your host.
9. The host may tell you that you do not have to go, however this is only sincere if they physically pull you back inside the house or offer sexual favors.

As a guest in someone's home you must remember first and foremost to respect their home as if it were your own. Poor behavior may mean that you will not be invited back, not even for a pie tasting, so please be a good guest.

1. Being this polite is actually fairly rude; if you really want to get rid of someone just say so instead of assuming they will get the hint. [↩]
2. The official time of Pantsless O'Clock is subject to change, please check your local listings [↩]

When undead begin to conquer the earth it is highly likely that people you care about will die and then begin to walk the earth once more as one of the living dead. When this happens you have a choice to either kill them like every other filthy walking corpse or you can let them devour your tender delicious flesh.

Now I can understand that you love this disgusting monster, and that you might be more than happy to provide them with lunch, but really it is a horrible idea. The person you loved is dead, and nothing is going to bring them back. That corpse standing in front of you is just a hunk of meat being inhabited by pure unadulterated evil. If you need help killing it I suggest remembering everything that person ever did to make you angry, every time you wanted to punch them in the face, every time you wanted to bury an axe in their face. By killing this undead facsimile you bring closure to your relationship, you can end the mourning period and begin your life anew.

Never ever let a stranger dispatch a loved one, it will only lead to conflict. By transferring this responsibility to others you deprive yourself of the psychological healing that only a twelve gauge can provide. So please do it yourself, and do it quickly before you run out of time and end up as a delicious snack.

The internet works because websites link to each other, if they didn't it would be damn hard to find anything. Search engines use these links to form their indexes, and to judge the importance of pages. So in general linking is good and should be encouraged, however there are certain things you should remember whenever you link to something online:

1. Always use the correct name of the site or provide accurate description of the content in the link's text. By accurately labeling the link you prepare people who click it for what they will see; You also provide search engines with better information when forming their databases.
2. If the site contains mature¹ content, be sure to label it as such in the link. In most instances the acronym NSFW will suffice.
3. If you are posting the link on a site with a large readership be careful of the slashdot effect.
4. If you think something is lame or a waste of time then do not link to it. Linking to lame site is like talking about the lame celebrities that you wish would go away, but instead extend their fifteen minutes of fame because people keep on talking about them. Just ignore it, please.
5. Finally never mislead people with your links, we have all seen enough stretched anuses to last a lifetime.

Now go link to some stuff, preferably the stuff made of awesome and win.

1. It can debated about what is 'mature content' however the general rule is that anything that would be inappropriate for children or coworkers to see should be labeled as such. [↩]

As an adult one can wear what they please whenever they please¹. If you want to dress up as Batman every night, you are more than welcome to. However I am not here today to talk about the exquisite delight one might get from assuming the appearance of a superhero, instead I am here to talk about wearing silly hats.

A silly hat is classified as any head covering that is out of place in the current context. For example, a top hat may be considered a silly hat if worn during normal day to day activities, but would not be silly at a formal social gathering. Common hats, such as baseball caps, are not silly in any context.

Wear silly hats, they can increase your quality of life and work as fantastic conversation starters. Be wary of wearing the same silly hat all the time, for there is a chance it may lose its silliness. Should your choice of headgear become popular with others it will become common, and as discussed previously, common hats are never silly. To combat this plague of commonness wear your silly hats sparingly or produce an aura of pure insanity to strike fear in those common people who would wear your hat as their own.

1. Barring any local obscenity laws of course. [↩]