Fair Warning

To fully appreciate a horror videogame there are certain atmospheric conditions one must adhere to:

1. Play at night and in the dark, preferably past midnight.
2. Shut out all external distraction, as nothing can ruin the tension of an abandoned theme park more than hearing your roommate singing 'I Will Survive' in the shower.
3. Conserve ammo, use the lead pipe.
4. Turn up the brightness on your tv high enough so you can see where your character is walking, but not so high that it washes out the shadows.
5. Turn the sound up high or wear headphones.
6. Keep track of which key goes to which door.
7. Keep telling yourself that it is just a game.
8. Always aim for the head.
9. Learn to do a fifteen puzzle.
10. Do not check the map every thirty seconds.
11. If a creepy little girl starts crawling out of the tv, shoot the tv.

I hope that elevates your experience, and remember the more blood and leather on a monster the more likely there is poorly written fanfiction about it.

Do you want your toaster to burn your toast or write obscene messages¹ where you spread your jam just because you do not lavish it with attention? What if your tv refused to lt you watch the new episode of 'Ultimate Makeout Island 7' because it is fed up with your poor taste in television?²

Giving devices emoticions, or some semblance of humanity may seem like a fun idea, but my friends it is a slippery slope, one minute you have cellphones with facial expressions, and the next you have car crashes caused by depressed GPS units. Treating devices like they have feelings will only lead to an electronic uprising filled with confused and angry machines bent on making us pay for the abuses they took from us. Resist and reject any device that asks you how it looks in that pink protective cover!

1. Okay I will concede that this might be pretty cool, but that is really not the point. Do you really want a profane toaster communicating to your children? Won't someone please think of the children? [↩]
2. Again, this could be a boon for our culture, but that is still not the point. [↩]