Fair Warning

If you ever have aspirations to rule the world, blow up national monuments, or merely take revenge on the people who bullied you in the first grade using a nuclear powered super-laser from the moon, then you will probably have to deal with a super-spy. The key, of course to killing any super-spy is to shoot him(or her) in the head and throw the corpse into a furnace. That's it. All super-spies are arrogant asses, and at some point you will capture them, and that is when you end it. Now you might be tempted to keep them alive for interrogation, torture, or as some sort of bargaining chip, but the fact is that torture does not work and every second a spy is alive is a second that you are in danger, so end it.

The word 'Concur' has got to be one of the finest words in the english language. Just say it out loud and you will agree; the happiness that one word gives is almost palpable. One should strive to use the word everyday, although you must be vigilant to never concur inappropriately.

It is a sad time in American history, fewer and fewer of our nation's young people are singing and dancing in the street. However you can do something about this, and all you have to do is what you were born to do, sing! Now you might be afraid to sing alone, but that is why man invented street gangs, like the Jets, the Sharks, and of course the Fighting Mongooses. With a street gang you can be a fearsome force, dancing, snapping and singing as a cohesive unit.

However, even if you are all alone, you can still inspire, and educate, and maybe even convince others to join you in song. It is important however, to keep to the classic more well known songs, so that anyone can join in. The following selection is great for this and for karaoke too:

1. Stand by Me
2. Anything by Three Dog Night
3. Don't Stop Believing
4. Wannabe
5. Build Me Up Buttercup
6. Torn
7. BananaPhone
8. You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'
9. Eye of the Tiger
10. AND MANY MORE¹

So get out there and start singing, save our children from an existence without the beauty of random music and street gangs!

1. If you actually have any to suggest please email us at tekgofairwarning@gmail.com [↩]

We all want to be able to honestly respond to the question "How are the kids?", but children are really so hard to come by these days. Now if you get as much junk mail as we get at the Fair Warning offices, then you've probably seen mail-order baby catalogs like "Super Babies: Genetically engineered for you!", "Orphans! Buy 3 get 7 more free!", or my personal favorite "Modest Proposal Quarterly". These services are great, but one should be careful when ordering small children through the mail as I have recently been informed that it is illegal to transport children through the post¹. This is why one should always, and I mean always transport your children via independent package services, or for large orders commission a freight service.

1. http://flickr.com/photos/smithsonian/2584174182/ [↩]

Whenever you are getting on a bus, train, ferry, trolley or airship please follow these steps.

1. Get to the station or stop before the vehicle is scheduled to arrive.
2. Have your ticket or exact change prepared before you board.
3. Wait for people to exit the vehicle before you get on. It is physically impossible for two non-superpowered people to share the same space at the same time, thus someone will have to get out of the way. Letting people to exit before you enter will make everyone happier and will speed up the process.
4. No, I am serious, stand at least five feet from the doors so that people can exit the bus/train/whatever, standing in the way is not going to get you on board any faster.
5. Find a seat or place to stand as soon as you can, and stay there.
6. Do not try to engage me in conversation; seriously I doubt that you have anything to say that will actually be interesting to me.

While I am on a technology kick, let us talk about cell phones, specifically their batteries. Now I do not particularly like my cell phone, it does not have any awesome features like web browsing, music, or lasers, but it at least works as a phone and can sync via Bluetooth. If I had money to burn, I would probably throw this phone into a blender and switch to a different network, but I do not so I will not.

Of course I said I would talk about my cell phone's battery, which like all batteries is slowly decreasing in maximum charge, and at some point will be unable to allow me to have a proper conversation about my future ambitions with a phone sex operator; however this is pretty standard and not worth complaining about.

What I do want to complain about is how the device decides to tell me that it has a low battery. My phone will vibrate every few minutes just to tell me that yes, it still is low on battery and yes it still would be a good idea to plug it in. It is like a five year old who got an extra large drink at the Taco Bell twenty miles back and has now decided that he is going to complain every two minutes about how he needs to take a leak. Well fuck that, I am making good time and you need to learn to shut up and hold it in.

Unfortunately although children can learn, at least to fear you, cell phones cannot and my phone will probably continue to irritate me till my damn contract is up.

Since when did someone decide that having my devices do things without my permission was a good thing? Now when my roomba automagically cleans the horrible dirt-ridden sty that is my basement, that is one thing because it's awesome and I scheduled it to do it, my roomba did not just figure out my level of household cleanliness and begin to clean-up after me.

Contrast this with my Windows PC that will update and restart itself without my permission, even sometimes against my permission. Now I think it is great that my PC is proactive about finding and downloading updates so that it can protect me from the evils of 'the web',¹ but I really can't accept it installing these updates without my permission. What if these updates are faulty? What if the obligatory restart cancels my 35GB downloads of 'research material'?

Now my point is that I don't want to wake up one day to find out that my computer, my Xbox and my phone have all been 'upgraded' to be emotional passive-aggressive crybabies conspiring to keep me inside my home because it is for my own good.

1. I prefer to envision the internet not as series of tubes, but as a corrosive sea filled with evil pirates and surfers with absurd names like Ray Tracer. [↩]

If you are at a party, and there is drinking involved, invariably some guy will spend a good portion of the evening trying to get inebriated girls to make out. Do not be that guy. First of all, if girls want to make out, they will do so without you pressuring them too, just let it happen. Second, you can spend all that time and persuasive energy getting some action for yourself instead of worrying about what these girls are doing. Finally, if you really want to see girls making out, use the internet to find some pornography¹.

1. I would specify lesbian pornography but I am pretty sure that now every porn, even gay midget porn, contains women playing tonsil hockey. [↩]

If you ever see a pair of sandals that look like they belong on the feet of some ninja from a neon-lit dystopian future BUY THEM. Those sandals are perhaps the most awesome sandals you will ever be lucky enough to have the chance to purchase, so it is really in your best interest to buy them. If you need more convincing I've made a list¹ of reasons:

1. These shoes are awesome.
2. By wearing awesome shoes you will become more awesome by association.
3. Future-ninja training could begin at any moment, and you need to be prepared.
4. They are really really comfortable, try them on!
5. If you do not buy them you will regret it for a long time².

1. If you haven't noticed, I really like to make lists [↩]
2. I know I do. Not buying those fantastic futuristic ninja sandals is the worst mistake I've ever made. [↩]