Fair Warning

On October 20th 1871, a little under two years after the completion of the first transcontinental railroad was another historic event, the first transcontinental punch to the face. Delivered by Joseph "Toothless Joey" Holden to Stephen "Steve" Stevenson Jr. this was the longest distance land-based punch¹ on record. Since that day the field of distanced punching has flourished, creating competitions, festivals, and various folk anthems.

You too can become a real folk hero by delivering your own distance punches; Just follow these simple steps:

1. Choose your target.
2. Clench your fist and keep it in a fist.
3. Travel to your target.
4. Confront the punch-ee².
5. Punch the punch-ee in the face.

You might want to start training with distances of a few miles, as keeping your hand clenched into a fist can be difficult for those new to distance punching. Work on progressively increasing your punching distance until you feel confident with the cross-country punches. Once you feel confident find someone worth spending hundreds of dollars to punch and then go ahead and do it!

Happy Punching!

1. At the time the record for longest punch was held by Benjamin Franklin. [↩]
2. Good form dictates that you make sure your punch-ee is conscious and alive before you break their face. [↩]

With one magical incantation or super virus you too can have an army of the undead roaming the earth. Even better is that this army has an incredibly powerful recruiting tactic; killing people. Let them loose and you will notice that society will completely crumble in a matter of days.

However zombies have a couple of major problems for the aspiring world conqueror:

1. They are decaying corpses, and as such they are really unpleasant to be around.
2. They are slow and easily tricked by resourceful humans.
3. They are really only concerned about finding food, not following orders.
4. They might just bite you while you are awarding medals of valor, and then you will be just another zombie.

In summary, zombies are fantastic for destroying society, but that strength is also their weakness. Zombies should only ever be used for a scorched earth campaign and never for conquest.

So princesses have a few nasty habits, such as pissing off witches, refusing to have their hair trimmed, and breaking bestiality codes by making out with amphibians, but worst of all is their habit of being abducted. Now it seems that no matter how much security surrounds a princess they somehow get snatched from their towers. Now once the reptile king, evil sorcerer, or love-struck frog-prince has stolen away with your princess it is time to act...

...or is it?

So the standard hero thing to do in this kind of situation is to fight through multiple surreal worlds so that you can save the princess before she has a chance to develop Stockholm syndrome . Now battling through these kinds of worlds used to be fun and exciting, but after you have saved that princess so many times don't you think it might be better if you decided not to risk your life for her when the only thanks that you are going to get are a kiss on the cheek and a job outfitting her castle with flush toilets?¹ Why save her when she will probably be abducted by another random bag of douche next week?

You are a strong, capable, high-jumping, smart, and possibly moustachioed man,² and you deserve to spend your time doing better things than rescuing damsels and fixing the royal plumbing. In fact did you ever realize that with these constant kidnappings the princess never really preforms any of her royal functions? Did you ever notice that in rescuing the princess you are just protecting a monarchy that is too weak to protect itself, and that you are protecting a feudal system designed to keep the common fungal peasantry in chains?

Rise up and assert your rights as a free man³ and choose not to save the princess. Overthrow the pitiful monarchy and form your own government based on freedom, justice, and mushrooms that make you feel ten feet tall.

1. I was going to go with something about fixing her pipes, but I figured people might take that the wrong way. [↩]
2. I apologize to female readers by saying that: "you are a strong, capable, high-jumping, smart, incredibly attractive, and possibly moustachioed woman." and am sorry for any offense that the statement, as originally written, has caused. I am happy to recognize that women are perfectly capable of rescuing princesses, and again apologize for assuming that only men would have interest in reading this. [↩]
3. Or woman [↩]