The Princess, On saving
So princesses have a few nasty habits, such as pissing off witches, refusing to have their hair trimmed, and breaking bestiality codes by making out with amphibians, but worst of all is their habit of being abducted. Now it seems that no matter how much security surrounds a princess they somehow get snatched from their towers. Now once the reptile king, evil sorcerer, or love-struck frog-prince has stolen away with your princess it is time to act...
...or is it?
So the standard hero thing to do in this kind of situation is to fight through multiple surreal worlds so that you can save the princess before she has a chance to develop Stockholm syndrome . Now battling through these kinds of worlds used to be fun and exciting, but after you have saved that princess so many times don't you think it might be better if you decided not to risk your life for her when the only thanks that you are going to get are a kiss on the cheek and a job outfitting her castle with flush toilets?1 Why save her when she will probably be abducted by another random bag of douche next week?
You are a strong, capable, high-jumping, smart, and possibly moustachioed man,2 and you deserve to spend your time doing better things than rescuing damsels and fixing the royal plumbing. In fact did you ever realize that with these constant kidnappings the princess never really preforms any of her royal functions? Did you ever notice that in rescuing the princess you are just protecting a monarchy that is too weak to protect itself, and that you are protecting a feudal system designed to keep the common fungal peasantry in chains?
Rise up and assert your rights as a free man3 and choose not to save the princess. Overthrow the pitiful monarchy and form your own government based on freedom, justice, and mushrooms that make you feel ten feet tall.
- I was going to go with something about fixing her pipes, but I figured people might take that the wrong way. [↩]
- I apologize to female readers by saying that: "you are a strong, capable, high-jumping, smart, incredibly attractive, and possibly moustachioed woman." and am sorry for any offense that the statement, as originally written, has caused. I am happy to recognize that women are perfectly capable of rescuing princesses, and again apologize for assuming that only men would have interest in reading this. [↩]
- Or woman [↩]