Vampires, On Killing
Before we get to the business of killing vampires, I would like to say that despite their classification as monsters not all vampires should be killed. Many are relatively civilized and peaceful, and are an important resource for historical information.
There are plenty of rumors and hearsay about how one kills the immortal blood sucking monsters commonly referred to as vampires. Religious objects such as holy water, or crucifixes will only annoy a vampire, since as we all know that the one true god is a giant kitten1. Stakes through the heart hurt like a bitch, but as a vampire is undead it does not really need a heart anyhow. Silver bullets are for werewolves, and do nothing but annoy a vampire. Sunlight is commonly thought to be the greatest threat to the vampire, but although sunlight is dangerous to a vampire, it is more akin to a bad sunburn or allergic reaction.
To understand the murdering of a vampire, I suggest we look at the largest massacre of vampires in recorded history, the French Revolution. If you are already familiar with the revolution that you know that during the eighteenth century almost the entire French Aristocracy became vampires, mainly because it was fashionable.
As these blood-sucking nobles changed into undead creatures of the night, they had a few issues to take care of, most notably the smell and bloat caused by their rotting bodies and their new sensitivity to sunlight. Luckily just as fashion had gotten them into this mess, fashion got them out. The smell of rotting flesh was masked by expensive perfumes and soaps, which the nobles claimed were just to make them smell better than the commoners. Bloat was taken care of by draining excess fluid and gasses regularly, and by wearing stays when going out in public for long periods of time. Lead-based makeup, parasols and a nocturnal party schedule protected the vampires from the damaging rays of the sun, as well as from the rays of various superheroes.
But enough about the lifestyle of the French vampire, on to the killing. As you may or may not know, the vampire aristocracy was destroyed by an uprising of the common people2. The people of France were angry about a whole load of offenses, not the least of which was being farmed like cattle for their blood. To properly dispose of the vampires, the peasants used a simple machine called the guillotine to remove the head.
Yes, the only sure fire way to kill a vampire is to decapitate it3.
Luckily the French vampire problem was almost entirely enclosed within the ranks of their nobles, and with the help of the guillotine they dispatched their problem almost over night. Of, course once they had gotten a taste for cutting people's heads off, the French had a very hard time stopping themselves, which led to years and years of upheaval. Additionally, to this day, vampires have to deal with the stereotype originally created by the French: effeminate makeup wearing assholes that hate absolutely everyone.
Again I would like to reiterate that blindly killing vampires helps no one. Please take care to find out that your target vampire is actually a vampire and not some douchebag with tooth implants. Also if your target appears to be very old, turn him over to a historian so they we may learn more about our past before you chop his blood sucking head off.
- See Kittens, On killing [↩]
- The revolution was actually masterminded by a council of mummies, ghosts, werewolves, and scientifically reanimated corpses. The purpose of this council was to influence supernaturally themed breakfast cereals, and they believed then, as they still do now, that the vampires had amassed too influence in regards to the human diet. [↩]
- Some people also cremate the remains for fear of a frankampire, but these concerns are considered ridiculous. [↩]