Fair Warning

So princesses have a few nasty habits, such as pissing off witches, refusing to have their hair trimmed, and breaking bestiality codes by making out with amphibians, but worst of all is their habit of being abducted. Now it seems that no matter how much security surrounds a princess they somehow get snatched from their towers. Now once the reptile king, evil sorcerer, or love-struck frog-prince has stolen away with your princess it is time to act...

...or is it?

So the standard hero thing to do in this kind of situation is to fight through multiple surreal worlds so that you can save the princess before she has a chance to develop Stockholm syndrome . Now battling through these kinds of worlds used to be fun and exciting, but after you have saved that princess so many times don't you think it might be better if you decided not to risk your life for her when the only thanks that you are going to get are a kiss on the cheek and a job outfitting her castle with flush toilets?¹ Why save her when she will probably be abducted by another random bag of douche next week?

You are a strong, capable, high-jumping, smart, and possibly moustachioed man,² and you deserve to spend your time doing better things than rescuing damsels and fixing the royal plumbing. In fact did you ever realize that with these constant kidnappings the princess never really preforms any of her royal functions? Did you ever notice that in rescuing the princess you are just protecting a monarchy that is too weak to protect itself, and that you are protecting a feudal system designed to keep the common fungal peasantry in chains?

Rise up and assert your rights as a free man³ and choose not to save the princess. Overthrow the pitiful monarchy and form your own government based on freedom, justice, and mushrooms that make you feel ten feet tall.

1. I was going to go with something about fixing her pipes, but I figured people might take that the wrong way. [↩]
2. I apologize to female readers by saying that: "you are a strong, capable, high-jumping, smart, incredibly attractive, and possibly moustachioed woman." and am sorry for any offense that the statement, as originally written, has caused. I am happy to recognize that women are perfectly capable of rescuing princesses, and again apologize for assuming that only men would have interest in reading this. [↩]
3. Or woman [↩]

Do you know why the food pyramid is a pyramid? It is not because it is a simple way to graphically display the suggested servings of the various food groups, but because pyramids are places that straddle the line between immortality and death. Now what is dead but not dead? Ghosts! Thats right, now what does the USDA want you to do with ghosts? Eat them as part of a balanced diet!

Unfortunately the human digestive system has a poor time with spectral essences, and without the proper support it can lead to intestinal haunting. In the olden days one had to have a firm knowledge of the occult to get their daily regimen of ectoplasm. However recent developments in pharmacology have led to a new pill called Ectopril™¹ that can ease digestion of spirits. Now you can explore dark mazes for ghosts to fill your nutritional needs without fear of bowel possession².

1. The name Ectopril™ is merely for branding purposes, the compound itself is called Spectrophion. [↩]
2. Side effects of Spectrophion include hyperactivity, nausea, jaundice, aphasia and dry mouth. [↩]

So, in your exploring of various fungal and reptilian kingdoms you may find various pipes. These pipes can be found in a full spectrum of colors, ranging from the typical green to bright shades of red and yellow and the always foreboding black ones. These pipes were created by greedy plumbing contractors¹ who wanted to strip these kingdoms of their wealth and have led to their current economic depression. These incompetent plumbers built many overly large pipes, many of which go absolutely nowhere.

Now that you have a basic understanding of the nature of these pipes, here are the most common things found within them:

1. Damp underground caves filled with bats, reptiles and bottomless pits. These caves can be shortcuts, or momentary diversions to keep you occupied.
2. Man-eating fire-breathing plants that have been planted by young fungi punks.
3. The hidden treasure troves of the contractors, filled with coins and contraband.
4. Pointless games designed to alleviate your fears about the meaningless of life for a brief period of time.
5. Hallucinatory visions where one will feel as though they are in the sky, floating on smiling clouds.

Beware most of all pipes with numbers stenciled on them, as they may lead you to dangerous places that you may not be prepared for.

1. The identity of these contractors has since been lost in the great fireflower epidemic of 1985. [↩]

Imagine this, you are trying to climb a structure so that you can save a pixelated princess, and a monkey¹ keeps throwing barrels! Seriously! How fucked up is that? Anyhow to save the princess you are going to have to master the careful art of barrel dodging. In learning to barrel dodge remember these following tips:

1. Barrels always roll downwards, so if you are above a barrel you have nothing to worry about.
2. Barrels will fall down ladders, do not try climbing upwards when barrels are above you.
3. When a barrel is on the same level as you get a running start and hurdle over it.
4. Do not try to stop the barrel and pick it up, you are small and will be flattened.

Hopefully with these tips you will learn to save the Princess, at least until she gets kidnapped by some other pixelated villain.

1. Such monkeys are often called Donkey, but remember, if it looks like a monkey it is not a donkey. [↩]