Fair Warning

The best way to invite people to a party, is of course to talk to them in person or give them a good ‘ole phone call. Now this may seem old fashioned to some of you, but really having that real communication is the only way to fully express how badly you want someone to come to your awesome party¹. For more formal gatherings you may wish to also send out well-typeset invitations asking your friends to RSVP.

In this new, fancy 'web 2.0' world people have begun to use facebook and other social networking tools to speed up the invitation process. Now this is all well and good when it is used to supplement the traditional invite process, but using only services alone is incredibly stupid, in fact if you do that there is a chance that only one person will show up². Most people with real social lives do not spend all their time browsing the internet for new events to go to, instead they go out and actually have fun and you should show them some respect and give them a call if you actually want to see them. Also think of all your friends that are not on your social network of choice³, give them a call too and tell them how much you would dearly like to invite them to your splendid event.

Now go out and Party!

1. Perhaps even a super awesome party. [↩]
2. Source: Facebook in a Crowd [↩]
3. You know, before you started your internet addiction. [↩]

When staying as a guest at someone's place, whether it be for a few minutes or weeks, there is often a point where they want you to get the hell out but are too polite¹ to say so. They will try to drop hints, and might frequently mention activities, such as bow hunting or extreme crochet, that you could not possibly be interested in. During this time your host will feel the seconds constantly ticking as their hatred of you simmers in a pot, and you will most likely be annoyingly oblivious to it. To avoid getting into this situation follow these simple tips:

1. Always remember that it is not your place and you have no innate right to be there.
2. If your host leaves the premises leave as well unless your are specifically told you can stay.
3. Take any mention of 'Bow Hunting' to mean 'Get the fuck out'.
4. Set an approximate time for your stay before you come over, and leave when that time comes.
5. Smell better than your hosts at all times.
6. Stop insisting that you will go after one more game/Buffy episode and just leave.
7. Always be polite and offer to help around the house, but do not be overly enthusiastic about helping as you may destroy some carefully followed filing system or something.
8. Always keep your pants on, unless showering, defecating, or engaging in a Pantsless O'Clock² party with your host.
9. The host may tell you that you do not have to go, however this is only sincere if they physically pull you back inside the house or offer sexual favors.

As a guest in someone's home you must remember first and foremost to respect their home as if it were your own. Poor behavior may mean that you will not be invited back, not even for a pie tasting, so please be a good guest.

1. Being this polite is actually fairly rude; if you really want to get rid of someone just say so instead of assuming they will get the hint. [↩]
2. The official time of Pantsless O'Clock is subject to change, please check your local listings [↩]

Small talk is a funny thing, it is boring and seems useless, but can lead to lasting friendships. One of the most enjoyable ways to start any conversation is to ask "How are the kids?"¹. The most interesting responses to this query are by people without children because it gives them the freedom to produce an imaginary family especially for the conversation. This imaginary family can lead to conversations the next time you encounter the person and create a personal dialogue between the two of you. Through the formation of these constructs you can explore the imaginative processes of someone else and learn if you would like to form a relationship with them, as well as fill awkward silences.

1. This should never be confused for asking about the twins, which is sexist and boring. [↩]

Time was in this great country that befriending a Hobo was as easy as hoping a train with a group of strangers and abandoning everything you knew. Unfortunately times have changed, and if you are looking for a Hobo to befriend/keep in a tent in your backyard, then you have your work cut out for you.

The first thing you will want to do is find a Hobo-city, or Shantytown. Check your local alleys and be sure to bring your safety-buddy. Shantytowns are grouped housing made from whatever can be easily scavenged. Remember, never enter a Shanty house unless invited.

The next step is to choose a Hobo to "court" and buy his or her friendship. Try talking to your Hobo about relevant topics such as: The Great Depression, Po' Boys Soup, Old Top Hats, Harmonica Solos, Medium Sized Dogs, The Da Vinci Code (Illus. Hardcover edition), How Much It Sucks That Trainyard Guards Are Allowed To Carry Firearms, The Grateful Dead and Crumpled Newspaper. If your Hobo is friendly feel free to bring them a gift. If you have chosen an anti-social Hobo it may require leaving a few gifts nearby before they are comfortable talking to you.

After a while your Hobo will begin to follow you around, expecting that more gifts will follow. At this point in the relationship it is acceptable to discuss moving your Hobo into the tent in your backyard.