Fair Warning

Always knock on the door before entering a room.

If there is no door, or if knocking on the door will cause it to open knock on the door frame.

Do not cross the threshold of the room without being invited in. Knocking alone does not give you permission to enter a room.

If the occupant of the room says the need a minute, give them five.

Always, Always knock on the door before entering a room.

The best way to invite people to a party, is of course to talk to them in person or give them a good ‘ole phone call. Now this may seem old fashioned to some of you, but really having that real communication is the only way to fully express how badly you want someone to come to your awesome party¹. For more formal gatherings you may wish to also send out well-typeset invitations asking your friends to RSVP.

In this new, fancy 'web 2.0' world people have begun to use facebook and other social networking tools to speed up the invitation process. Now this is all well and good when it is used to supplement the traditional invite process, but using only services alone is incredibly stupid, in fact if you do that there is a chance that only one person will show up². Most people with real social lives do not spend all their time browsing the internet for new events to go to, instead they go out and actually have fun and you should show them some respect and give them a call if you actually want to see them. Also think of all your friends that are not on your social network of choice³, give them a call too and tell them how much you would dearly like to invite them to your splendid event.

Now go out and Party!

1. Perhaps even a super awesome party. [↩]
2. Source: Facebook in a Crowd [↩]
3. You know, before you started your internet addiction. [↩]

Do not slap people in the face, just do not do it whether you are male or female, young or old, there are very few times when it is appropriate to do so and you will probably never be in a situation where it is acceptable action. Slapping not only hurts, but it can also create real emotional scars for both the slap-ee and the slapper. Anyhoo appropriate times for slapping are the following:

1. You have written & signed consent from the other person, stating that they want to be slapped¹.
2. There is a large carnivorous insect on the other person's face.
3. You are a character on a daytime soap opera.
4. The other person needs to wake up or they will be late for their super important Calc II final.
5. You are a character in a Japanese flash game.
6. You are challenging the other person to a duel².
7. That is it, there are no more good reasons to slap someone.

Also as a final word of caution remember that in polite society any slap, punch, push, or fist bump may be construed as a challenge so be sure to keep your hands to yourself at fancy parties.

1. Violence is always best when it is consensual. [↩]
2. Proper duel challenging should always be done with a glove and not one's bare hands. [↩]

Never talk about yourself in the third person, it is not and has never been acceptable to do so, and unless well all become part of a cybernetic hive mind it will probably never be alright to do so. Only three kinds of people are allowed to talk about themselves in the third person: Insane people, actors performing poorly written monologues, and five year olds.

Whenever you are getting on a bus, train, ferry, trolley or airship please follow these steps.

1. Get to the station or stop before the vehicle is scheduled to arrive.
2. Have your ticket or exact change prepared before you board.
3. Wait for people to exit the vehicle before you get on. It is physically impossible for two non-superpowered people to share the same space at the same time, thus someone will have to get out of the way. Letting people to exit before you enter will make everyone happier and will speed up the process.
4. No, I am serious, stand at least five feet from the doors so that people can exit the bus/train/whatever, standing in the way is not going to get you on board any faster.
5. Find a seat or place to stand as soon as you can, and stay there.
6. Do not try to engage me in conversation; seriously I doubt that you have anything to say that will actually be interesting to me.

If you are at a party, and there is drinking involved, invariably some guy will spend a good portion of the evening trying to get inebriated girls to make out. Do not be that guy. First of all, if girls want to make out, they will do so without you pressuring them too, just let it happen. Second, you can spend all that time and persuasive energy getting some action for yourself instead of worrying about what these girls are doing. Finally, if you really want to see girls making out, use the internet to find some pornography¹.

1. I would specify lesbian pornography but I am pretty sure that now every porn, even gay midget porn, contains women playing tonsil hockey. [↩]

Cupcakes are awesome; therefore you should go eat one. If you do not eat a cupcake within the next twenty-four hours I will lose all respect for you.¹

1. I'm being perfectly serious, go consume a delicious cupcake. [↩]

There is a mostly unspoken etiquette to using urinals, unfortunately some people missed this lesson so I will spell out the rules here:

1. If no one is using the urinals take the first one you see.
2. If one or more are in use take the urinal farthest away from others as to minimize proximity.
3. Should all the urinals be in use wait at least five feet from the bank of urinals and do not look at those currently urinating.
4. During urination look straight ahead, do not look at your equipment or the equipment of others.
5. Feel free to make conversation with others, but do not be surprised when others do not respond to you.
6. Do not sing during urination.
7. Only grunt, moan, or exclaim at how relaxing it is to relieve your bladder unless drunk.
8. Keep on hand on your equipment at all times.
9. Make sure your aim is straight and true.
10. Never, under any circumstances defecate in a urinal.
11. Flush.

These rules are common sense and should be followed at all times, even in extreme life and death urinary situations.

When staying as a guest at someone's place, whether it be for a few minutes or weeks, there is often a point where they want you to get the hell out but are too polite¹ to say so. They will try to drop hints, and might frequently mention activities, such as bow hunting or extreme crochet, that you could not possibly be interested in. During this time your host will feel the seconds constantly ticking as their hatred of you simmers in a pot, and you will most likely be annoyingly oblivious to it. To avoid getting into this situation follow these simple tips:

1. Always remember that it is not your place and you have no innate right to be there.
2. If your host leaves the premises leave as well unless your are specifically told you can stay.
3. Take any mention of 'Bow Hunting' to mean 'Get the fuck out'.
4. Set an approximate time for your stay before you come over, and leave when that time comes.
5. Smell better than your hosts at all times.
6. Stop insisting that you will go after one more game/Buffy episode and just leave.
7. Always be polite and offer to help around the house, but do not be overly enthusiastic about helping as you may destroy some carefully followed filing system or something.
8. Always keep your pants on, unless showering, defecating, or engaging in a Pantsless O'Clock² party with your host.
9. The host may tell you that you do not have to go, however this is only sincere if they physically pull you back inside the house or offer sexual favors.

As a guest in someone's home you must remember first and foremost to respect their home as if it were your own. Poor behavior may mean that you will not be invited back, not even for a pie tasting, so please be a good guest.

1. Being this polite is actually fairly rude; if you really want to get rid of someone just say so instead of assuming they will get the hint. [↩]
2. The official time of Pantsless O'Clock is subject to change, please check your local listings [↩]

It is common sense that breathing in smoke is bad for your health. No one in their right mind should think that breathing in fire, or the products of fire, is good for you in the long run. Smokers know this; everyone knows this and pretending otherwise would be childish. Reminding people of this fact helps no one, and merely makes you look ridiculous and annoying. Deriding other people's choice of self-destruction may make you feel better about your petty existence, but please, please keep it to yourself so you do not look like an ass.

Smoking cigarettes is great, it helps one be social, it's good for the brain¹, it helps weight loss, and it works to fulfill one's desire for death. However, though you may view your nicotine addiction as a rebellion against society, there are certain things you should remember when you choose to light up.

1. Have your own cigarettes, nothing is more irksome than someone bumming smokes.
2. Get a real lighter, preferably a Zippo, cheap plastic lighters make you look like a fool.
3. Do not smoke around children, if you need a good reason not to, you are an imbecile.
4. Do not smoke around non-smokers. Non-smokers choose not to smoke for a variety of reasons, but for many it is because they have allergic reactions to cigarette smoke. Worsening the health of others so that you can smoke is a major act of douchebaggery and should be avoided at all costs. Try to keep at least a ten foot distance between yourself and anyone not smoking.
5. Chew some gum afterwards, you may have already stunk up your clothes, but that is no reason for your breath to stink.

Keeping these guidelines in mind will both improve your own smoking experience, but also preserve the cool image of smoking that the tobacco industry has fought so hard to create.

1. Well the nicotine is anyway: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotine#Psychoactive_effects [↩]

Everyone loves Scrabble, it's fun and it allows people to show off their monster vocabularies. However, using an online service to find words for you is just lame. Games of knowledge like Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit are based on people's ability to recall stored information quickly; using the great external memory and processing power of the internet defeats the purpose and fun of these games.

So look, next time you use a seven letter word only found in organic chemistry textbooks I am just going to tell you to fuck off.

First of all, stop smoking; It's bad for you and makes people hate you.

Now that we have the standard warning out of the way, onto the etiquette of bumming cigarettes. First and foremost, no one is under any obligation to give you a cigarette, it's their property and they can do whatever they want with it. Insulting someone because they refused to further your nicotine addiction is uncalled for and only justifies their decision. By giving you a cigarette the other person is doing you a favor, and because of that you are under certain obligations:

1. Thank them politely, but do not make a big deal out of it. It's not like were going to die without that coffin nail, so don't act like it.
2. If they want to talk, listen to them. You are expected to listen for as long as it takes you to smoke the cigarette.
3. Smoke at least ninety percent of the way to the filter, not smoking the entire smoke is disrespectful.
4. Should this person ever ask to bum from you, give them one, assuming you have one.

Most importantly, learn the other person's name if you do not already know it. Nicotine stimulates some of the brain's memory centers, and even if it's unlikely that you'll see them again I am sure it will put a smile on their face if you do remember them.

Look, I don't care if your pants can stay up on their own, or if you are not even wearing pants, wear a god damn belt. A belt does not just keep your pants up, it enhances the whole waist-hip area. Most importantly however, it keeps your pants up, and no body wants to see your ass crack.

So go get a belt, preferably a classic black leather belt. Fancy belts are okay when worn with the right outfit, but a black leather belt goes with almost anything. Men, do not wear large belt buckles, it looks like you are compensating; also nothing humorous, the last thing you want is laughter when a woman is looking at your crotch.

And remember: if you don't have a belt, how do you expect to deliver whoopings properly?

Quoting a religious text, a German philosopher¹, or L. Ron Hubbard will pretty much lose you any argument that is not specifically about the text itself. Look, God is great and all that, but you can't use her² to win your arguments for you. Arguments and discussions should be based on logic, not on what God may or may not have told some man to write thousands of years ago. Also there are so many contradictions in most holy texts that it's really not worth it to directly quote them. Luckily most rules that do not directly mention god have a logical reason for existing, a logical reason you can use to win. So instead of saying "Whores bad because God said so!" say "Whores are bad because they spread disease, undermine the value of monogamous relationships and steal our precious bodily fluids!"³. However, if you still lose the argument feel free to use your religious text to beat your opponent.

1. You know the one I mean... [↩]
2. We don't assume to apply a human gender to God, but we would rather have a God with a nick rack instead of a white beard. [↩]
3. This blog does not condone or condemn whoring, but we do condemn the theft of our vital bodily fluids! [↩]

Should you ever come miss a portion of a movie or television show and feel lost about any aspect of it, do not ask questions until it is over. There are a couple of reasons for this:

1. The people around you are trying to watch the movie themselves, asking questions will both break the illusions the movie presents, and might make them miss an important moment.
2. A great majority of questions will be answered by the movie itself, filmmakers usually repeat information to an insane degree and anything you missed during your five minute bathroom excursion will probably be shown to you again.
3. If that little piece that you missed is so important to you, you can see it again.

Most importantly, it's your own damn fault for missing out so shut up and watch the movie.

Although you may not recognize it, doing any of the following things can instantly lose an argument for you:

• Responding with 'Your Face', 'Your Mother', or any sort of ill conceived personal attack.
• Comparing your opponent or their position with Nazis. See usage of 'Godwin's Law'
• Invoking Godwin's Law instead of mounting a proper defense.
• Making esoteric references that even you do not properly understand.
• Screaming about babies, kittens or other adorable small mammals.

It's official, responding to anything by simply repeating it and adding 'your face!' or anything similar is now off limits. I was funny for about five minutes, but now it's over. So stop it.

Wearing a shirt with profanity, instructions for being misogynist , or diagrams of sexual positions make you look like either:

1. White trash
2. A frat boy with a D+ average
3. A plain old idiot

So please do not wear one of these shirts in public. Should a friend give you one(hopefully as a joke) either burn it, or wear it only on laundry day.