Fair Warning

With one magical incantation or super virus you too can have an army of the undead roaming the earth. Even better is that this army has an incredibly powerful recruiting tactic; killing people. Let them loose and you will notice that society will completely crumble in a matter of days.

However zombies have a couple of major problems for the aspiring world conqueror:

1. They are decaying corpses, and as such they are really unpleasant to be around.
2. They are slow and easily tricked by resourceful humans.
3. They are really only concerned about finding food, not following orders.
4. They might just bite you while you are awarding medals of valor, and then you will be just another zombie.

In summary, zombies are fantastic for destroying society, but that strength is also their weakness. Zombies should only ever be used for a scorched earth campaign and never for conquest.

So princesses have a few nasty habits, such as pissing off witches, refusing to have their hair trimmed, and breaking bestiality codes by making out with amphibians, but worst of all is their habit of being abducted. Now it seems that no matter how much security surrounds a princess they somehow get snatched from their towers. Now once the reptile king, evil sorcerer, or love-struck frog-prince has stolen away with your princess it is time to act...

...or is it?

So the standard hero thing to do in this kind of situation is to fight through multiple surreal worlds so that you can save the princess before she has a chance to develop Stockholm syndrome . Now battling through these kinds of worlds used to be fun and exciting, but after you have saved that princess so many times don't you think it might be better if you decided not to risk your life for her when the only thanks that you are going to get are a kiss on the cheek and a job outfitting her castle with flush toilets?¹ Why save her when she will probably be abducted by another random bag of douche next week?

You are a strong, capable, high-jumping, smart, and possibly moustachioed man,² and you deserve to spend your time doing better things than rescuing damsels and fixing the royal plumbing. In fact did you ever realize that with these constant kidnappings the princess never really preforms any of her royal functions? Did you ever notice that in rescuing the princess you are just protecting a monarchy that is too weak to protect itself, and that you are protecting a feudal system designed to keep the common fungal peasantry in chains?

Rise up and assert your rights as a free man³ and choose not to save the princess. Overthrow the pitiful monarchy and form your own government based on freedom, justice, and mushrooms that make you feel ten feet tall.

1. I was going to go with something about fixing her pipes, but I figured people might take that the wrong way. [↩]
2. I apologize to female readers by saying that: "you are a strong, capable, high-jumping, smart, incredibly attractive, and possibly moustachioed woman." and am sorry for any offense that the statement, as originally written, has caused. I am happy to recognize that women are perfectly capable of rescuing princesses, and again apologize for assuming that only men would have interest in reading this. [↩]
3. Or woman [↩]

If you ever have aspirations to rule the world, blow up national monuments, or merely take revenge on the people who bullied you in the first grade using a nuclear powered super-laser from the moon, then you will probably have to deal with a super-spy. The key, of course to killing any super-spy is to shoot him(or her) in the head and throw the corpse into a furnace. That's it. All super-spies are arrogant asses, and at some point you will capture them, and that is when you end it. Now you might be tempted to keep them alive for interrogation, torture, or as some sort of bargaining chip, but the fact is that torture does not work and every second a spy is alive is a second that you are in danger, so end it.

Whether it be the ability to fly, read minds, or have the intelligence to build a really kickass sexbot, at some point in all our lives we dream about having superpowers. Some are content to simply dream, however if you are truly serious about getting superpowers there are some things your parents should have told you but did not know how.

Getting superpowers is not easy, for many it is a painful and traumatizing experience. If you are doing this simply to score with guys/girls might we suggest puberty? It will also be painful and traumatizing but will net you a personality!

You could always try irradiating a pissed off insect and or hanging out near meteor crash sites, but these schemes will likely just give you cancer and kill you. From a practical standpoint the best way to get superpowers is to join the military and sign up for the most bizarre tests available. You will likely just get cancer and die, but at least you will go knowing that your death may have prevented (or caused) the deaths of millions upon millions of unsuspecting civilians. Plus if you manage to survive the experience you will have cool new powers and military backing to do whatever The Man wants you to do with them.

A great way to decide on anything is to flip a coin. Of course there is always the one in a million chance that said coin will land on its edge and stay there. If this should happen, forget about whatever you were trying to decide, because now you can read people's minds! That is right! You are now a goddamn mind reader! Here are some fun activities you can do with your powers:

1. Win at poker, blackjack, and many other games of 'chance'!
2. Pick up chicks!
3. Ride a bike!
4. Reveal people's most terrible secrets to the world!
5. Finally understand Dennis Miller's Jokes!
6. Slap people who think they are better than you!

Now remember, these powers only last as long as the coin stays on end; should the coin fall over for any reason your powers are gone, as is your sense of self-worth.

When breeding a giant atomic monster, always remember that although it is science(It's nuclear science), it is not an exact science and thus can lead to unexpected results. Do not be alarmed if your G.A.M. sprouts extra limbs, eyes, or automatic weapons; they are gifts and should treated as such.

G.A.M.s are typically produced by throwing a baby animal into a vat of toxic waste, however, this can cost a fortune at the pet store. Instead bathe the animals in radiation slowly until mutations begin to develop, then inject them with large amounts of growth hormones.

Now G.A.M.s are notoriously hard to control, so if you want to make sure that your monster does not accidently destroy your secret lair I suggest one of the following options:

1. Attach the G.A.M.'s brain to a game system and control it from the comfort of your own living room.
2. Replace it's brain with one extracted from a henchmen.
3. Hire a telepath with extreme emotional baggage.

And Remember: When using your monster to destroy major Japanese cities, always be on guard for giant robots piloted by so called 'good guys'. Destroying these threats to world domination shall be the subject of a future article.

So you want to build some sort of ultimate death ray do you? Well here is what you do in eleven easy steps:

1. Kidnap some scientists, remember if you kidnap a dozen, the second dozen are half off.
2. Max out all your credit cards buying equipment.
3. Announce your death ray to the world, just days before it's operational.
4. Capture the super spy who is trying to stop you.
5. Have a continental breakfast.
6. Have your henchmen kill the spy.
7. Start the overly long countdown sequence.
8. Watch in horror as the spy stops your weapon from firing.
9. Flee in some sort of rocket propelled device.
10. Sell the ray gun plans on the world market to pay off your creditors.
11. Start over.

Now you could kill the spy yourself, but what's the point of having henchmen if you do everything yourself?

Should you at any point decide to become a costumed villain choose a persona that you will not regret in several years. A super villain's persona is like a tattoo, the only way to change it involves lots of scarring with lasers. Now if you gain super powers from an animal you are pretty much stuck, however if your powers come from some sort of industrial accident you have a lot of choices.

I suggest kidnapping a small group of people and running your ideas by them. Do not be too sensitive, one joker in the group will probably rip your ideas to shred, do not rip his body to shreds in return, at least not until you have found a name and persona that is impervious to puns.