Fair Warning

With one magical incantation or super virus you too can have an army of the undead roaming the earth. Even better is that this army has an incredibly powerful recruiting tactic; killing people. Let them loose and you will notice that society will completely crumble in a matter of days.

However zombies have a couple of major problems for the aspiring world conqueror:

1. They are decaying corpses, and as such they are really unpleasant to be around.
2. They are slow and easily tricked by resourceful humans.
3. They are really only concerned about finding food, not following orders.
4. They might just bite you while you are awarding medals of valor, and then you will be just another zombie.

In summary, zombies are fantastic for destroying society, but that strength is also their weakness. Zombies should only ever be used for a scorched earth campaign and never for conquest.

Zombie game shows are awesome¹, action-packed and often unintentionally hilarious, which is why you should create one of your own and become rich! Now there are a few formats that really lend themselves to the zombie theme:

• Zombie Island - Strand a group of people with minimal supplies on an island and then release zombies around the island. You can make it a game of survival, or more amusingly you can plant an important clue on each zombie and force the contestants to hunt the undead until they can get off of the island. Note, this can work at a mall, a prison, or even in the middle of a national park.
• Zombies Do the Darndest Things or America's Funniest Undead Videos - Film zombies doing stupid things, laugh, repeat until bored.
• The Bachelor: Extremely Desperate Edition - Take one man and twelve well preserved zombie women and let the fun begin. They go on dates, have fun, are equipped with muzzles to prevent biting, and of course shoots one in the head at the conclusion of each episode.
• Add zombies to any Japanese game show.
• The Price is Right - Bring a zombie Bob Barker² back to replace the abomination that is Drew Carey.

All of these shows are obviously absolute gold, and will make everyone involved something like a gazillion dollars. Remember of course to force all contestants to sign a ridiculous waver before filming starts, as you really don't want to get in a situation with zombie lawyers³.

1. This is all under the assumption that a zombie apocalypse has already occurred and the situation has been brought under control. If there has not already been a mass-outbreak of zombies then you probably know nothing about controlling them, and creating a game-show with them will most likely cause a zombie apocalypse of it's own. So don't be the guy who fucks over the world, let someone else do it first! [↩]
2. I realize he's not dead, but still, awesome. [↩]
3. No really, I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about right here. Zombie lawyers? What the fuck does that have to do with anything at all? [↩]

To fully appreciate a horror videogame there are certain atmospheric conditions one must adhere to:

1. Play at night and in the dark, preferably past midnight.
2. Shut out all external distraction, as nothing can ruin the tension of an abandoned theme park more than hearing your roommate singing 'I Will Survive' in the shower.
3. Conserve ammo, use the lead pipe.
4. Turn up the brightness on your tv high enough so you can see where your character is walking, but not so high that it washes out the shadows.
5. Turn the sound up high or wear headphones.
6. Keep track of which key goes to which door.
7. Keep telling yourself that it is just a game.
8. Always aim for the head.
9. Learn to do a fifteen puzzle.
10. Do not check the map every thirty seconds.
11. If a creepy little girl starts crawling out of the tv, shoot the tv.

I hope that elevates your experience, and remember the more blood and leather on a monster the more likely there is poorly written fanfiction about it.

When undead begin to conquer the earth it is highly likely that people you care about will die and then begin to walk the earth once more as one of the living dead. When this happens you have a choice to either kill them like every other filthy walking corpse or you can let them devour your tender delicious flesh.

Now I can understand that you love this disgusting monster, and that you might be more than happy to provide them with lunch, but really it is a horrible idea. The person you loved is dead, and nothing is going to bring them back. That corpse standing in front of you is just a hunk of meat being inhabited by pure unadulterated evil. If you need help killing it I suggest remembering everything that person ever did to make you angry, every time you wanted to punch them in the face, every time you wanted to bury an axe in their face. By killing this undead facsimile you bring closure to your relationship, you can end the mourning period and begin your life anew.

Never ever let a stranger dispatch a loved one, it will only lead to conflict. By transferring this responsibility to others you deprive yourself of the psychological healing that only a twelve gauge can provide. So please do it yourself, and do it quickly before you run out of time and end up as a delicious snack.

To kill a zombie you must destroy brain, or sever the spine. Although shooting a zombie in the head may seem like a good idea, it has a couple downsides: ammunition is a valuable resource during a zombie apocalypse, and a single bullet may leave enough brain matter intact for the zombie to survive and continue trying to eat you. Most zombie hunters prefer to use either a large bladed instrument(i.e. an axe or sword) or a blunt object(i.e. a lead pipe or cricket bat).

For large mobs of zombies, it is wise to use a combination of semi-automatic firearms and explosives. I personally suggest napalm¹ but you will have to make due with what you have. Be wary of your surroundings when facing a large force of zombies, as it is easy for one to sneak by your defenses and get behind you. Should your defenses become ineffective it is best to just run away and save yourself.

After you are done rekilling the animated corpses, you will have to dispose of the remains. To destroy any chance of the infection spreading to other vectors(such as birds or insects), it is best to burn the corpses. Again I suggest napalm, gasoline, or alcohol. Be sure to wear protective clothing when handling the dead, and triple check all your friends for wounds beforehand.

1. No, I am not going to tell you how to make it. Figure it out for yourself. [↩]

First of all, keeping a pet zombie is a very bad idea. On the other hand, it's fun, and doesn't break any kidnapping laws. If you decide to keep your best friend, your girlfriend, or even that hot celebrity as a zombie pet in your basement/shed/stripclub remember these simple rules.

1. Use high quality steel chains, and make sure that whatever they are attached to has no chance of coming lose. I suggest using a truck to test the strength of these bonds.
2. Wire or otherwise secure their jaw closed, so that they cannot bite you even if they were to break their chains.
3. Feed them raw meat regularly, even though they are already dead they still need to eat. Zombies are not picky though and will happily eat anything you can get from your local butcher.
4. Zombies are masses of decaying flesh. So make sure that you do not have any open wounds around the zombie, and that you thoroughly clean yourself after interacting with them.

Should you get bored with your zombie pet, please do not flush them down the toilet. Instead donate them to your local zombie labor farm so that they may be productive to society.

If you see a zombie, RUN! Don't stop to shake hands, hug, or even criticize them on their ripped pants.