The grammar of futuristic cannibalism.

The phrase "Soylent Green is people" is thrown around a lot these days in attack ads that are trying to threaten our beloved Soylent Corporation. Now I would just like to set one thing straight, whether or not Soylent Green is made from the recycled bodies of old people the phrase "Soylent Green is people" is really grammatically incorrect. Soylent Green is not people, it is merely made from people; once a body is converted into the wonderful product that is Soylent Green it has ceased to be a person and is now simply Soylent Green. The proper phrase would be "Soylent Green was people" or "Soylent Green is made from people". So please, if you are going to attack the great Soylent Corp, please do so in the correct fashion.

Sometimes I think I've had too much to drink, then I remember that I shouldn't listen to myself; I'm drunk!

Did you know a man once tried to fight me to win back his woman? Of course his wife was actually having an affair with my evil italian twin Patrizio, but he was too drunk to notice my lack of a moustache; luckily he was also too drunk to throw a punch without falling over. So I stole the man's wallet and Patrizio and I got smashed.

Brilliant Ideas: Cubism Cam!

Ok, ok, so I have a fantastic idea, a cubism video setup. Take like 10 webcams and place them around one subject or area. Feed all these video streams into one comp and composite them live. Not completely sure how one would choose how to stich the actual streams together, that may have to be done by hand, at least in the beginning.

Well that's coming along

During my tenure as Associate Professor of Theoretical Bullshit at StateU I learned a few very important things:

1. Never ever leave your drink unattended; you never know what a mischievous grad student might slip into it.
2. The local coffeehouse is a great place to pickup mysterious and unstable women when your girlfriend just left you for some girl in her extreme yoga class.
3. Beating the shit out of some smartass kid for reading excerpts from your secret erotic-fiction is considered by some to be assault and reason for dismissal from the college.
4. fuck

Celebrity News from my spam folder

1. Plucky Pensioner Discovers Hitler In His Local Starbucks
2. Angelina Jolie Pregnancy.it Was All A Hoax!
3. 50 Cent sues Taco bell and McDonald's over ads
4. Seinfeld movie to be released
5. Justin Timberlake and Madonna affair revealed

Habit forming

Diet soda makes me want to punch a jellyfish in the face. Seriously, it used to be that people drank drinks with real sugar in them, and they tasted delicious. Now we can't even buy soda with real sugar in it, we have to go to Mexico and import that shit. Even worse of course is diet caffeine-free soda, which tastes like failure in a can.

Really though, if you are trying to lose or maintain your weight by switching to diet products you are missing the point. You shouldn't change your lifestyle by consuming things with less quality, instead just lower the quantity of intake. Fuck, if you really want to feel and look better just drink some water, it is far better for you than any diet drink.

And lastly to the people who only stock their houses with diet soda, light beer, and low fat foods: You're being inconsiderate and are offending me with your bad taste; stop it.

Because my undergarments can beat up your undergarments

So I am out for a night on the town when a friend calls me up with a shocking revelation; tube socks are not really tubular. I immediately call bullshit on this, and according the internet I am right and he is wrong. Which brings me to my real point; if you are high, drunk, or stupid please don't call me up with random bullshit factoids. Seriously.

In which our hero eats his own delicious ostentation and hyperbole

I love to eat meat, I love it; not just because of the pain and suffering involved, but also because of the flavor. So you can imagine that when I order a pizza that I pretty much just get a whole cow placed on top of it. Unfortunately for me and my carnivorous appetite people seem compelled to share pizzas instead of ordering their own, and of course these people never share my delight for well processed animals.

These people, if you can call them that, insist that I pollute my pizza and my digestive system with their precious vegetables; what utter bullshit! Even worse when I express my lack of enthusiasm for their choice of topping they suggest that we do a half meat and half veggie, as they obviously have no understanding of the fifth law of pizza dynamics:

5. Toppings have no consideration of 'sides' and will always contaminate the entire pizza with their taste, if not their physical presence.

And don't get me started on those fucks who don't like cheese on their pizza, they might as well just buy some bread and a bottle of ketchup instead of wasting my time.

Anyway, moral of the story is: Never compromise with pizza, order what you like and if people have a problem with it just order another one; you can never have too much pizza on hand.

If it's good enough for Jebus, then it's good enough for you.

Howdy! Do you have any idea why you're here? If you do then please leave. Otherwise stick around while I tell you the latest news about CUTE KITTENS.

I think that it is very important that people know that although Kittens are Cats, Cats are not Kittens. This is what Kitten Scientists like to call the feline-cuteness exclusion principle. Like all animals(other than the duckbill platypus, which really is a freak of nature with it's five sexual chromosomal pairs) Cats lose cuteness exponentially as they age. Scientists however have found that separating Cats and Kittens out allows kittens to exhibit Neoteny and like the Axolotl or Peter Pan, never grow up. So remember, keep your Kittens and Cats in separate cages, and be sure to feed them lots of Forn Cakes!

So you see, I really really like pie.